The inherent evil of snowglobes
Suppose I should write something. Don't know what though. What can I say..
No karate this week, the sewage system flooded the dojo for the third time and now they have to replace all the mats. Didn't go to my mother's 60th birthday, couldn't afford it plus the pain in my back was/is killing me so no way I could sit in a train for over three hours. It's a matter of days before my sister goes to the hospital to deliver her second child, so I guess I'll miss out on that too.
Oh well.
Very difficult to get out of bed before noon, I mean, why should I? What is there to get up for? I drag my ass downstairs only when I get hungry. I stay up until two or three a.m., don't know why and don't care either.
Yesterday I was in the centre of town for the first time in ages, well weeks, and I was horrified by the stupid cows and zombies roaming the stores and sidewalks. They disgust me. All hot and bothered about some cheep shitty item, eating ice cream or french fries rambling on in their dumb-ass dialect about make-up, football, dates, children, sales, weight.. what a turn off. Have to go there again for an errand but I'm stalling.
It's like this whole stupid place is situated in a snowglobe. Is that the right word? That little glass thingy you shake and snowflakes come down on this lonesome itsy-bitsy house inside? Right, well, this is what it feels like. Petty little lives in a petty little town in a snowglobe which is mistaken for reality and where everything is so damned important but if you look at it from up high it's just ants crawling the streets. Makes me want to get a magnifying glass.
There's no lust for life, no desires accept for the occasional cup of coffee or something sweet. Everything has become tiresome, dull, colorless, I spend so much time watching tv I should be mentioned in the Guiness Book of Records. I don't even like my own company anymore. What's the fucking use. There's no point to my life, it has just stopped altogether. It's a dead end.
I'm not even motivated to walk and ride my bike for the sole purpose of keeping my back in shape. Yeah, maybe I could have less pain if I exercised diligently. But so what? What's next? What for? It will not in any way give more meaning to this life. Maybe it will become more bearable, but Jesus fucking Christ, what kind of life is this anyway if the best thing I can aim for is "bearable"??!
Maybe it's a giant step forward compared to the old days when I used to clench my teeth in trying to mentally survive the moment, but at least then I had some hope of it ever getting better because well, it couldn't get any worse. Now I still wake up with painfully stiff jaws from clenching my teeth during sleep but there's no hope of this ever getting better. There's no meaning, no point to it.
Yesterday it was a major effort to talk to my fysiotherapist, she probably thought I would be uncomfortable if there was silence while she massaged my neck and shoulders, but I prefer silence, especially considering the alternative. Or maybe she felt uncomfortable because she started talking to me about the weather and how maybe it was going to rain and she didn't want to get wet... AAARRGH!!! Shoot me now please!! I couldn't believe it! Why MUST there be talking?? And for God's sake why does it have to be such mindnumbing bullshit? I wanted to jump out the window, solely to escape the meaningless, nerve-racking chatter. Maybe next time I'll pretend to doze off. Hope she falls for it.
Just now my mother phoned to tell me what a great party I missed out on (thanks mom) and it was very difficult to answer questions and interject meaningful words like aha and oh really? It's so tiring, I feel drained during a conversation like that. Not because it's her especially, but because it's me. Today. Today sucks even more than yesterday, can't wait to see what tomorrow'll bring.
Alright, stalled enough, guess I'll go and wander around in the snowglobe just for the sake of exercising (my back and my ability to stay sane amongst the fantastic morons who are the cornerstone of western society).
M. (for moron).
P.S. I dreamed a giant snake rammed itself against my living-room windows and my brilliant plan was to close the curtains so we couldn't see it anymore. On the other hand, this could be exactly how it works here.
No karate this week, the sewage system flooded the dojo for the third time and now they have to replace all the mats. Didn't go to my mother's 60th birthday, couldn't afford it plus the pain in my back was/is killing me so no way I could sit in a train for over three hours. It's a matter of days before my sister goes to the hospital to deliver her second child, so I guess I'll miss out on that too.
Oh well.
Very difficult to get out of bed before noon, I mean, why should I? What is there to get up for? I drag my ass downstairs only when I get hungry. I stay up until two or three a.m., don't know why and don't care either.
Yesterday I was in the centre of town for the first time in ages, well weeks, and I was horrified by the stupid cows and zombies roaming the stores and sidewalks. They disgust me. All hot and bothered about some cheep shitty item, eating ice cream or french fries rambling on in their dumb-ass dialect about make-up, football, dates, children, sales, weight.. what a turn off. Have to go there again for an errand but I'm stalling.
It's like this whole stupid place is situated in a snowglobe. Is that the right word? That little glass thingy you shake and snowflakes come down on this lonesome itsy-bitsy house inside? Right, well, this is what it feels like. Petty little lives in a petty little town in a snowglobe which is mistaken for reality and where everything is so damned important but if you look at it from up high it's just ants crawling the streets. Makes me want to get a magnifying glass.
There's no lust for life, no desires accept for the occasional cup of coffee or something sweet. Everything has become tiresome, dull, colorless, I spend so much time watching tv I should be mentioned in the Guiness Book of Records. I don't even like my own company anymore. What's the fucking use. There's no point to my life, it has just stopped altogether. It's a dead end.
I'm not even motivated to walk and ride my bike for the sole purpose of keeping my back in shape. Yeah, maybe I could have less pain if I exercised diligently. But so what? What's next? What for? It will not in any way give more meaning to this life. Maybe it will become more bearable, but Jesus fucking Christ, what kind of life is this anyway if the best thing I can aim for is "bearable"??!
Maybe it's a giant step forward compared to the old days when I used to clench my teeth in trying to mentally survive the moment, but at least then I had some hope of it ever getting better because well, it couldn't get any worse. Now I still wake up with painfully stiff jaws from clenching my teeth during sleep but there's no hope of this ever getting better. There's no meaning, no point to it.
Yesterday it was a major effort to talk to my fysiotherapist, she probably thought I would be uncomfortable if there was silence while she massaged my neck and shoulders, but I prefer silence, especially considering the alternative. Or maybe she felt uncomfortable because she started talking to me about the weather and how maybe it was going to rain and she didn't want to get wet... AAARRGH!!! Shoot me now please!! I couldn't believe it! Why MUST there be talking?? And for God's sake why does it have to be such mindnumbing bullshit? I wanted to jump out the window, solely to escape the meaningless, nerve-racking chatter. Maybe next time I'll pretend to doze off. Hope she falls for it.
Just now my mother phoned to tell me what a great party I missed out on (thanks mom) and it was very difficult to answer questions and interject meaningful words like aha and oh really? It's so tiring, I feel drained during a conversation like that. Not because it's her especially, but because it's me. Today. Today sucks even more than yesterday, can't wait to see what tomorrow'll bring.
Alright, stalled enough, guess I'll go and wander around in the snowglobe just for the sake of exercising (my back and my ability to stay sane amongst the fantastic morons who are the cornerstone of western society).
M. (for moron).
P.S. I dreamed a giant snake rammed itself against my living-room windows and my brilliant plan was to close the curtains so we couldn't see it anymore. On the other hand, this could be exactly how it works here.
posted by M. at 12:20 AM
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