Unreal
This feels so unreal. Surreal isn’t the right word for this. As soon as I continue reading the book, I’m in it, I’m there, no doubts. I know it to be true. Then, when I wake up after a nice deep sleep (funny how I love sleeping), or I’ve been exposed to daily-life-things for a couple of hours I have to drag myself back into this process. I know at any moment I can ‘take a break’ and slow down the process if I’m not careful. It’s alright I guess, since no matter what I do I always come back to this, but let’s see what happens when I keep coming back on a daily basis.
How come it feels so unreal what I’m doing? Like daily life is so real. Yeah, I see people’s fogs clear as day, I see my own, a little less clear, yet doing this feels unreal. What’s up with that? It’s like I’ve been dabbling in this on the side and suddenly someone tells me this is the only thing I should be doing. Only I’m that someone and I haven’t been dabbling, I’ve been kidding myself. This was always most important, why else would I have made that conscious, deliberate choice to listen to that little voice inside, of intuition, my heart, God, Universe, whatever, at twenty years old? That was the day I turned homeless and I've never been happier, putting myself in the hands of something bigger.
I am still kidding myself. When I read Jed it feels completely and utterly real and clear and clean. Then I look up and it doesn’t. How can there be any progress when this doesn’t feel real to me?
I don’t even know if this is my ego, if there is such a thing, trying to trick me or cause a delay, or if this is a genuine issue for me; how can anything like this process be real when it’s done within the dream? Or maybe. Maybe I can see it as that trick used in a dream when asleep: look at your hands and your dream might turn into a lucid dream. Is that what it’s like? A process within the dream to become aware within the dream that it is, in fact, a dream.
I’m asleep, having a dream and this process is like an elaborate attempt to look at my hands and wake up within the dream. Only the dream ends when that happens.
Am I sweet talking my ego? I sure need a lot of convincing for someone who made up her mind light-years ago. This is what I’ve been doing, why is it such a stretch to be doing it more often, more intense, more single-minded? It seems that I’m my biggest roadblock at this point. If/when I get past this there’s no stopping me. I look forward to that.
Until now there wasn’t a lot of fun to be had, but reading last night, laughing my ass off, I suddenly realized that if I am serious about this, I am progressing towards/into an incredible ‘thing’, I’m moving towards perfect freedom and what could be better than that? For me; nothing. No more chains. It’s all about the struggle at this point, so maybe I should keep in mind what I am moving towards, keep in mind the ‘prize’ at the end, cos no matter how ugly and unappealing Jed makes it in the book, I want it and there is nothing that I want more. I don’t even want anything else, every other little want is just a handful of shiny beads, nice little mirages, reflections in a faulty mirror cos it’s not who I am.
Once again, my dearest; I was born for this, born ‘to be wild’, born to be free. Completely, utterly Free.
Well, that should be enough to keep me going. Ha! Like there’s anything that could stop me. Nothing. Nothing. Delay at most, but stop me? Never. You’d have to kill me.
How come it feels so unreal what I’m doing? Like daily life is so real. Yeah, I see people’s fogs clear as day, I see my own, a little less clear, yet doing this feels unreal. What’s up with that? It’s like I’ve been dabbling in this on the side and suddenly someone tells me this is the only thing I should be doing. Only I’m that someone and I haven’t been dabbling, I’ve been kidding myself. This was always most important, why else would I have made that conscious, deliberate choice to listen to that little voice inside, of intuition, my heart, God, Universe, whatever, at twenty years old? That was the day I turned homeless and I've never been happier, putting myself in the hands of something bigger.
I am still kidding myself. When I read Jed it feels completely and utterly real and clear and clean. Then I look up and it doesn’t. How can there be any progress when this doesn’t feel real to me?
I don’t even know if this is my ego, if there is such a thing, trying to trick me or cause a delay, or if this is a genuine issue for me; how can anything like this process be real when it’s done within the dream? Or maybe. Maybe I can see it as that trick used in a dream when asleep: look at your hands and your dream might turn into a lucid dream. Is that what it’s like? A process within the dream to become aware within the dream that it is, in fact, a dream.
I’m asleep, having a dream and this process is like an elaborate attempt to look at my hands and wake up within the dream. Only the dream ends when that happens.
Am I sweet talking my ego? I sure need a lot of convincing for someone who made up her mind light-years ago. This is what I’ve been doing, why is it such a stretch to be doing it more often, more intense, more single-minded? It seems that I’m my biggest roadblock at this point. If/when I get past this there’s no stopping me. I look forward to that.
Until now there wasn’t a lot of fun to be had, but reading last night, laughing my ass off, I suddenly realized that if I am serious about this, I am progressing towards/into an incredible ‘thing’, I’m moving towards perfect freedom and what could be better than that? For me; nothing. No more chains. It’s all about the struggle at this point, so maybe I should keep in mind what I am moving towards, keep in mind the ‘prize’ at the end, cos no matter how ugly and unappealing Jed makes it in the book, I want it and there is nothing that I want more. I don’t even want anything else, every other little want is just a handful of shiny beads, nice little mirages, reflections in a faulty mirror cos it’s not who I am.
Once again, my dearest; I was born for this, born ‘to be wild’, born to be free. Completely, utterly Free.
Well, that should be enough to keep me going. Ha! Like there’s anything that could stop me. Nothing. Nothing. Delay at most, but stop me? Never. You’d have to kill me.
posted by M. at 1:38 PM
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