Autumn
How quickly things change. I had a good day today, which is very, very rare. I cycled to the volunteer's work, thinking along the lines of: This is really happening, I'm fulfilling my destiny, I will be free, this is really going to happen, I'm really going there. I'm going to the end of the world. Sailing off the edge of the earth. I passed an incredibly beautiful tree, glowing with orange and yellow leaves and I was so grateful tears came to my eyes. I felt happy. Happy and excited.
The day went well, I was feeling good, glowing myself, as if pregnant. It felt like coming home in my own skin, doing what I was meant to do. Always had been meant to do.
It's beautiful to see in others; people who do what they love to do, and now I was like that. When I came home I sat in the garden, listening to U2 on my headphones and I didn't even care about neighbour spawn, coming out into his garden, trying to be as loud as he could, just doing what he loves to do I guess. I saw this cute little hedgehog scurrying around the terrace but since it was dark it might also have been a rat.
I felt strong, I felt good, I felt like I was in the right place now.
Then, it began to dawn on me that this could mean I might never have children. There might not be a son in my future, the kid I somehow felt I would have at thirty five or thirty seven. That's the feeling, the sort of hunch I got: I'd have a boy when in my late thirties. If I go on like this, that could be the end of everything else.
I knew that, yes, but I've also known an enlightened man who had kids and I don't want to get into it whether he had them before or after he woke up. From what I half-know half-suspect it could be plausible; enlightened people who have kids. I mean, I read stories about men who say for example: before enlightenment I chopped wood and went to the well to get water, after enlightenment... I chopped wood and went to the well to get water. I don't think men and women left their children and spouses behind just because they woke up.
But. What I do suspect, is that once Awake there's no desire or wish to have children anymore. This I can understand. And I wouldn't mind. The thing is, if I go on like this, as intense and focused as I am now, I know where it will lead me. This is tricky. Now I could play games and slow down, thinking that maybe in the time I have before I get to the edge of the world I might meet someone and have a kid. Oh my. And if I speed this thing up I cheat myself out of love and ever having a child of my own. Well shit. So you know, the day was good and then it was a bummer. It hurt and I cried. I don't want to play games, you see. I want to be sincere about this, because it is so close to my heart. So, I'm going to do what I've always done when I really didn't know how to continue; I'm going to leave it up to Life. Life will decide. Has already decided, sure, but I'll put this one out there and go on as I feel I should go on. Listening to that voice for instructions. And I'll do what it says is the right thing to do and I'll go wherever it wants me to go.
Life and I have decided long ago, right? So whatever I choose to do, is what I've chosen a long time ago and so that will be the natural thing to do. The only thing to do. I fought and kicked and screamed right here on these pages, some (light-)years ago, about the illusion of free will. I was SO pissed off! Now... Everything happens exactly as it's supposed to. So if I'm meant to have a kid, I will. If not, then I won't. Same with love. I'm not going to play games. I don't want to. Not anymore. This is it. This is my process. It's mine, and we'll see what happens.
A few tears. I did want to be a mother some day, when I would be able to be a good mother. But this is what I've always wanted.
Life's timing is never off, so there's a reason for me to dive into the process even more deeply at this point in my life. Who am I to doubt it? What a day though, wasn't it.
All in all, it does feel right to be doing this. It still feels like it 'fits'. Like I'm in my rightful place.
The day went well, I was feeling good, glowing myself, as if pregnant. It felt like coming home in my own skin, doing what I was meant to do. Always had been meant to do.
It's beautiful to see in others; people who do what they love to do, and now I was like that. When I came home I sat in the garden, listening to U2 on my headphones and I didn't even care about neighbour spawn, coming out into his garden, trying to be as loud as he could, just doing what he loves to do I guess. I saw this cute little hedgehog scurrying around the terrace but since it was dark it might also have been a rat.
I felt strong, I felt good, I felt like I was in the right place now.
Then, it began to dawn on me that this could mean I might never have children. There might not be a son in my future, the kid I somehow felt I would have at thirty five or thirty seven. That's the feeling, the sort of hunch I got: I'd have a boy when in my late thirties. If I go on like this, that could be the end of everything else.
I knew that, yes, but I've also known an enlightened man who had kids and I don't want to get into it whether he had them before or after he woke up. From what I half-know half-suspect it could be plausible; enlightened people who have kids. I mean, I read stories about men who say for example: before enlightenment I chopped wood and went to the well to get water, after enlightenment... I chopped wood and went to the well to get water. I don't think men and women left their children and spouses behind just because they woke up.
But. What I do suspect, is that once Awake there's no desire or wish to have children anymore. This I can understand. And I wouldn't mind. The thing is, if I go on like this, as intense and focused as I am now, I know where it will lead me. This is tricky. Now I could play games and slow down, thinking that maybe in the time I have before I get to the edge of the world I might meet someone and have a kid. Oh my. And if I speed this thing up I cheat myself out of love and ever having a child of my own. Well shit. So you know, the day was good and then it was a bummer. It hurt and I cried. I don't want to play games, you see. I want to be sincere about this, because it is so close to my heart. So, I'm going to do what I've always done when I really didn't know how to continue; I'm going to leave it up to Life. Life will decide. Has already decided, sure, but I'll put this one out there and go on as I feel I should go on. Listening to that voice for instructions. And I'll do what it says is the right thing to do and I'll go wherever it wants me to go.
Life and I have decided long ago, right? So whatever I choose to do, is what I've chosen a long time ago and so that will be the natural thing to do. The only thing to do. I fought and kicked and screamed right here on these pages, some (light-)years ago, about the illusion of free will. I was SO pissed off! Now... Everything happens exactly as it's supposed to. So if I'm meant to have a kid, I will. If not, then I won't. Same with love. I'm not going to play games. I don't want to. Not anymore. This is it. This is my process. It's mine, and we'll see what happens.
A few tears. I did want to be a mother some day, when I would be able to be a good mother. But this is what I've always wanted.
Life's timing is never off, so there's a reason for me to dive into the process even more deeply at this point in my life. Who am I to doubt it? What a day though, wasn't it.
All in all, it does feel right to be doing this. It still feels like it 'fits'. Like I'm in my rightful place.
posted by M. at 12:44 AM
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