Dozy & Observer
Feel sick. Nauseous. Rage and indignation for being locked in my house by the neighbour and his car, parked in front of my yard in such a way I can’t pass it without having to force myself and my bike through the hedge. I’m writing this down to get it off my chest, because it’s just the superficial reason for my anger. Thoughts are jumbling through my mind, no thread to follow.
I seem to be divided into two separate pieces. One piece is observant, knows what it’s doing and where to go, how to go et cetera, seems to have oversight, instructs the other piece, which is fast asleep, or at least likes to be. Likes that very much. That piece wants to watch TV, to forget all ‘my’ troubles by zoning out, consciously taking on the zombie attitude. Because it gives me a break from everything. Or so it seems. This all feels so unreal because this piece of me wants me to feel that this journey I’ve taken on is unreal, something I made up, something with which I am kidding myself. This piece is doing a very good job of kidding me. There’s a dialogue going on between these two pieces of me, because they are going in opposite directions, or at least they intend to.
How can it be unreal if it gave me the rare moments where I felt at peace with myself, where I could just be, and it makes me become more and more authentic? When Observer asks this I can feel the other piece getting more sleepy, or feigning sleepiness, which in turn makes things feel unreal indeed. However, if looked at this in a logical way, in a linear way, yes, but that doesn’t matter right now, there’s an upward motion, there is a moving towards less false and that was set in motion by the first experience of peace. Which felt very real. I could say that was all a fairy tale and I’m kidding myself by doing or trying to do something that’s (generally) only talked about in books, but the fact remains this journey has given me the best moments of my life. Rare moments, but calm and worthwhile. The Dozy moments, however, all seem to be equal, to be one and the same. Sleepy, comatose, zombie-like. So is this journey unreal or is Dozy unreal? And if I am in the middle, then who am I?
Maybe I have three different personalities.
I am even worried about my process not going as it should SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF OTHERS!! Well that’s just silly. If a lull should occur, then a lull occurs. Life knows what it’s doing, so let go of a silly concern like that. There’s much rubbish and it will take the time it needs. In some way you’ve been doing this for most of your life, in another way you haven’t even started yet, so what are you so worried about? You don’t have to write a paper about it, you won’t get judged by the beauty and efficiency of your process, no one is going to compare your process to someone else’s and judge it to be inadequate, failing, not good enough. That’s you doing all that. You are the one judging. If you really want to go forward, you will have to let that go. Stop judging. This is your process, your journey and it is exactly as it should be, who are you to judge? As far as I can tell your bum is not occupying a throne in cloudy surroundings so get off it. Just do what you’re doing, just go forward, if slow, then slow.
This Is Yours, Completely Yours.
I seem to be divided into two separate pieces. One piece is observant, knows what it’s doing and where to go, how to go et cetera, seems to have oversight, instructs the other piece, which is fast asleep, or at least likes to be. Likes that very much. That piece wants to watch TV, to forget all ‘my’ troubles by zoning out, consciously taking on the zombie attitude. Because it gives me a break from everything. Or so it seems. This all feels so unreal because this piece of me wants me to feel that this journey I’ve taken on is unreal, something I made up, something with which I am kidding myself. This piece is doing a very good job of kidding me. There’s a dialogue going on between these two pieces of me, because they are going in opposite directions, or at least they intend to.
How can it be unreal if it gave me the rare moments where I felt at peace with myself, where I could just be, and it makes me become more and more authentic? When Observer asks this I can feel the other piece getting more sleepy, or feigning sleepiness, which in turn makes things feel unreal indeed. However, if looked at this in a logical way, in a linear way, yes, but that doesn’t matter right now, there’s an upward motion, there is a moving towards less false and that was set in motion by the first experience of peace. Which felt very real. I could say that was all a fairy tale and I’m kidding myself by doing or trying to do something that’s (generally) only talked about in books, but the fact remains this journey has given me the best moments of my life. Rare moments, but calm and worthwhile. The Dozy moments, however, all seem to be equal, to be one and the same. Sleepy, comatose, zombie-like. So is this journey unreal or is Dozy unreal? And if I am in the middle, then who am I?
Maybe I have three different personalities.
I am even worried about my process not going as it should SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF OTHERS!! Well that’s just silly. If a lull should occur, then a lull occurs. Life knows what it’s doing, so let go of a silly concern like that. There’s much rubbish and it will take the time it needs. In some way you’ve been doing this for most of your life, in another way you haven’t even started yet, so what are you so worried about? You don’t have to write a paper about it, you won’t get judged by the beauty and efficiency of your process, no one is going to compare your process to someone else’s and judge it to be inadequate, failing, not good enough. That’s you doing all that. You are the one judging. If you really want to go forward, you will have to let that go. Stop judging. This is your process, your journey and it is exactly as it should be, who are you to judge? As far as I can tell your bum is not occupying a throne in cloudy surroundings so get off it. Just do what you’re doing, just go forward, if slow, then slow.
This Is Yours, Completely Yours.
posted by M. at 3:14 PM
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