Lies and ties

Feel ill. And I have some unfinished business before going to bed. Why else would I still feel anger? Maybe that’s making me feel ill.
Or maybe it’s the painkillers. Whatever. I’m not done with that particular subject yet. I knew it, but stopped cos I was hurting too much (physically).

So. What’s up with the anger? I feel cheated. Cheated how? Out of life. Expand on that please. I have believed certain things, and everything was muck, it was all lies, all wrong, nothing was true. I bought it all, because I thought I was the one who knew nothing and everyone around me had some top secret knowledge that they wouldn’t let me in on. Because I wasn’t worthy. I tried so hard, spent so much time and energy being who I thought they wanted me to be, all based on the notion that they were right and I didn’t have a say in things, I wasn’t even aware there were things to know. All I knew was that other people had rights that I didn’t because I was somehow wrong. And now I find out that they were all wrong, all of them, all the people who treated me like shit, who made me feel like shit, who made sure I felt like human waste, inferior to every single person walking this earth. I thought they knew something I didn’t, I thought everyone was in on this big secret on how to be one of them, to fit in, be part of the group, be part of humanity. Now I find out they didn’t know shit. I lived my life trying to be good enough, trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be, or what I thought they wanted me to be. What a waste of energy, what a horrible waste.
I am so glad I started to search for who I was when I wasn’t trying to be something I wasn’t. I’m so lucky I started to undo the falseness that was me. All that crap instilled in me. None of it was true. They were all wrong, they have been wrong all this time and nobody said anything, cos nobody knows, people can’t see what’s right in front of them. What a waste. On the other hand, how very fortunate that I am now finding that out. This way I don’t have to walk around with this false knowledge for the rest of my life. I don’t have to accept their truth about me as the truth about me. This is my life now and mine alone. I will decide what is true and what isn’t. Even a blatant lie of mine is truer than a half-truth they cherish about me when it comes to my life. They don’t know what they’re saying, they’re ignorant, they’ve always been and I couldn’t see. When you grow up with falseness all around, you wouldn’t recognize truth when it was right in front of you, I understand. I bought into their lies because they did and there was no alternative. But there is now.
Something else? No. I just feel resolve. Can you leave this behind? This dependence on others’ approval? I’m not sure yet. What’s holding you back? It’s like severing a bond, it’s like un unspoken agreement that I would be undoing. And is that something you don’t want? Well, it does make me hesitate, as if that’s all that is tying me to these people. If that’s all tying you to them, it’s not worth much, is it. No, it’s pretty pathetic. Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s all you have known until now. But you’re a big girl now and you can do away with your toys. It’s not even an attractive toy. But it made me one of them. So you feel you’re not one of them anymore when you severe this unspoken bond? Undo this silent agreement? It feels like giving up my place in the family. Yeah, that’s a big deal I guess. It should be, but I need to go on. Further. They won’t understand. Is that important? Well… not as much as it should be. Why are you crying? I’m losing stuff. Family ties. It’s okay, you can cry. It’s what you have known until now, isn’t it. It’s familiar, you’re giving up everything that’s familiar to you. That’s no small thing.
I’m thinking in deals again, bargaining; what will I get back for it? Well, nothing. You will get Nothing in return, to be honest. You might want to think it over a bit and decide if that’s something you can live with, whether that’s enough for you. It does sound like a shitty deal, doesn’t it. Yeah it sure does. What’s up with that? Well here’s a perk; you also give up all the falseness attached to those ties, all the untruths running in the family, they will die with you. You will be free. You will be real. That does sound appealing. Nice perk. Why did you keep that for last? You had to go through all that stuff and be receptive. Am I now? Because I cried? Something inside you gave. Something was released. The ties, I didn’t break them yet. No. No rush. No worries. Take your time. It’s part of the surrender. Ah. So no rush? No. No rush, nobody to impress, no list of achievements to worry about. No resume.
Alright, I will take my time then, is this enough for now? Is it? I don’t know, but I’m tired. You know I don’t run away from things! Indeed. Pick it up where you left off when you can. Remember; no rush. Relax into the process, and take care of yourself. Yes ma’am. Smartass. Yeah, isn’t it great? That’s how I got here. Good to see you smiling again. Mh. I’m going to bed, read a bit. Get some reassurance from Jed’s ‘warfare’ that I’m not a complete fool. You know you’re not. Not as long as I have you! Get to bed, feel better tomorrow. Bye, and thank you. Thank you.***