The finger
Anger. Big surge of anger. Ten minutes into the walk I wanted to go back and write. Walked on, took some nice pictures of the canal and footpath in the fog. Very appropriate. Fumed. Tried to dissect and clear things up in my mind, but writing it down is a much better way. The radio was a big help, as usual lately. After reading some Jed this morning: “I’m on my way to infinity.” Go figure.
When I was becoming really angry, I stopped listening to classical music and turned the little radio to a mainstream music station. “Talking in your sleep.” After that song I changed stations again: “You got the power to turn on the light. (…) There’s a force I’m glad to follow.” I got so worked up I used my phone to write stuff down and saved it as a text message. Two actually.
I don’t know whether it’s a good thing to write it down here, when I went through most of it, isn’t that a waste of energy? No, because things didn’t get cleared up during the walk. Not enough anyway.
So I’ll try to get myself going by using the notes I made. Let’s see.
It was a hoax, a big fat hoax, I was right all along. People have been lying to me all my life, everybody is lying, everybody is trying to win me and as many others as they can for their own version of ‘truth’, because the more people agree with you, the more you must be right, right? NO!! Fucking hell NO. That one moment, when I was watching the news as a kid, and my uncle, or one of my cousins, told me that the news wasn’t necessarily true, it shattered my world just that little bit. Up till then I had thought whatever was said on the news was at least true, it was presented in such a way, serious but without drama and with quiet authority (not the screaming I was used to) I thought thát at least must be true. And then a family member outside of the rotten little circle told me otherwise. I don’t know why I didn’t doubt him, whoever it was, but I looked at the news with different eyes from then on. When I got older, I also started to read the news in newspapers in a different way. Different newspapers, different views, different takes on what was originally the same story. What a hoax. I started to understand. I started to use my logic. It dawned on me that a person could not form an opinion about most things going on in the world, without knowing or experiencing every side to the story for themselves. “History is written by the winners.” I also learned, but subconsciously, that people don’t want to view a subject from every possible angle, they just want to adopt a certain viewpoint, preferably the one which most people adopted as their own. People don’t want to do the work, people do not want to do the math, they just want to be fed the answers, so they have a shiny new opinion, and when it’s revealed to be untrue they blame the source of the information, not their own stupidity and laziness to find a fucking answer for themselves. Jolene was right; people are cows. They don’t taste the same though. With all that crap inside us, we must taste like crap. But I can’t be sure cos I never had a bite. Anyway. All those people whose approval I tried to get over the years, non-stop, they don’t know any better. Why would I care so much about getting their approval? Nobody can be trusted. I wasn’t wrong after all. The only person who’s authority I can trust is me.
From my notes during the walk: “You can do something, progress within the dreamstate is possible, and necessary, of the essence; developing to the point where you realize you’re asleep is of the essence. You can’t pass Go and collect 200 dollars without it. Progress within the dreamstate is possible and essential to prepare yourself for waking up. Better to know you’re asleep, than not know, or not know and believe yourself to be awake. Fucking angry at Jeff Foster for saying stop trying." How many people would love to hear that?! I hate it, it rubbed me the wrong way and only now do I understand why I didn’t get past his first book, where he says our process is in the way of reality, our struggle for truth is what is keeping truth out, everything is perfect the way it is, how can it not be? You can't make a deliberate effort to attain enlightenment. So stop trying? I do get what he means, I do, but it’s dangerous! People just love hearing that, don’t they?! Oh I’m so spiritually advanced, I’ve given up trying, I’ve given up my quest for truth altogether because I saw it for what it was. Oh real-ly? That must be the most lazy ass spiritual practice ever. And it looks real pretty too. Nicely done. Jeff must not be totally Awake. As far as I can see (granted, not far), he has probably turned into a human adult with some Oneness experience thrown in for good measure, but I think I’ll stick with Jed for now. That’s the only ‘person’ I know of who’s real, really, really real. Truth-realized. So I guess he’s my role-model. For now. I will have to kill him off of course. Eventually I will kill Jed, but he’s a sport, he won’t mind. Yes, dumbasses, even if his name isn’t Jed McKenna, he’s still the realest real ‘person’ I have ever heard of. Everything he writes feels true. He might be a ten year old girl for all I care, that doesn’t make the content of his books less true.
This process is good, it’s mine, but the reasons for it are diverse. A true desire is there, an authentic desire, but there was/is also the longing for some people to finally approve of me when I’ve ‘become enlightened’. There was that dream, wasn’t there? Yes. I would show them, I would become enlightened and finally get their respect and approval. What I didn’t take into account, was that once the process would be well underway I would stop caring about that longtime fantasy of approval. If or when I’ll ever get it, I won’t give a crap anymore, isn’t that ironic. I have to say, it has been somewhat of a revelation to suddenly realize my whole family is and was wrong. But it doesn’t end there. Schoolbooks are wrong. Newspapers are wrong. Political parties are wrong. Everybody we look up to is wrong. It’s unbelievable, except that it’s not. Mind-blowing.
More notes from my walk, as a disk jockey announces a song from a band called “Badfinger”. “Cut the fucking finger pointing at the fucking moon, just look at the moon for Chrissakes!! Don’t put fucking rings on the finger!”
Yeah, I was pretty worked up about it. Feeling better now. If there’s more, I’ll come back later.
When I was becoming really angry, I stopped listening to classical music and turned the little radio to a mainstream music station. “Talking in your sleep.” After that song I changed stations again: “You got the power to turn on the light. (…) There’s a force I’m glad to follow.” I got so worked up I used my phone to write stuff down and saved it as a text message. Two actually.
I don’t know whether it’s a good thing to write it down here, when I went through most of it, isn’t that a waste of energy? No, because things didn’t get cleared up during the walk. Not enough anyway.
So I’ll try to get myself going by using the notes I made. Let’s see.
It was a hoax, a big fat hoax, I was right all along. People have been lying to me all my life, everybody is lying, everybody is trying to win me and as many others as they can for their own version of ‘truth’, because the more people agree with you, the more you must be right, right? NO!! Fucking hell NO. That one moment, when I was watching the news as a kid, and my uncle, or one of my cousins, told me that the news wasn’t necessarily true, it shattered my world just that little bit. Up till then I had thought whatever was said on the news was at least true, it was presented in such a way, serious but without drama and with quiet authority (not the screaming I was used to) I thought thát at least must be true. And then a family member outside of the rotten little circle told me otherwise. I don’t know why I didn’t doubt him, whoever it was, but I looked at the news with different eyes from then on. When I got older, I also started to read the news in newspapers in a different way. Different newspapers, different views, different takes on what was originally the same story. What a hoax. I started to understand. I started to use my logic. It dawned on me that a person could not form an opinion about most things going on in the world, without knowing or experiencing every side to the story for themselves. “History is written by the winners.” I also learned, but subconsciously, that people don’t want to view a subject from every possible angle, they just want to adopt a certain viewpoint, preferably the one which most people adopted as their own. People don’t want to do the work, people do not want to do the math, they just want to be fed the answers, so they have a shiny new opinion, and when it’s revealed to be untrue they blame the source of the information, not their own stupidity and laziness to find a fucking answer for themselves. Jolene was right; people are cows. They don’t taste the same though. With all that crap inside us, we must taste like crap. But I can’t be sure cos I never had a bite. Anyway. All those people whose approval I tried to get over the years, non-stop, they don’t know any better. Why would I care so much about getting their approval? Nobody can be trusted. I wasn’t wrong after all. The only person who’s authority I can trust is me.
From my notes during the walk: “You can do something, progress within the dreamstate is possible, and necessary, of the essence; developing to the point where you realize you’re asleep is of the essence. You can’t pass Go and collect 200 dollars without it. Progress within the dreamstate is possible and essential to prepare yourself for waking up. Better to know you’re asleep, than not know, or not know and believe yourself to be awake. Fucking angry at Jeff Foster for saying stop trying." How many people would love to hear that?! I hate it, it rubbed me the wrong way and only now do I understand why I didn’t get past his first book, where he says our process is in the way of reality, our struggle for truth is what is keeping truth out, everything is perfect the way it is, how can it not be? You can't make a deliberate effort to attain enlightenment. So stop trying? I do get what he means, I do, but it’s dangerous! People just love hearing that, don’t they?! Oh I’m so spiritually advanced, I’ve given up trying, I’ve given up my quest for truth altogether because I saw it for what it was. Oh real-ly? That must be the most lazy ass spiritual practice ever. And it looks real pretty too. Nicely done. Jeff must not be totally Awake. As far as I can see (granted, not far), he has probably turned into a human adult with some Oneness experience thrown in for good measure, but I think I’ll stick with Jed for now. That’s the only ‘person’ I know of who’s real, really, really real. Truth-realized. So I guess he’s my role-model. For now. I will have to kill him off of course. Eventually I will kill Jed, but he’s a sport, he won’t mind. Yes, dumbasses, even if his name isn’t Jed McKenna, he’s still the realest real ‘person’ I have ever heard of. Everything he writes feels true. He might be a ten year old girl for all I care, that doesn’t make the content of his books less true.
This process is good, it’s mine, but the reasons for it are diverse. A true desire is there, an authentic desire, but there was/is also the longing for some people to finally approve of me when I’ve ‘become enlightened’. There was that dream, wasn’t there? Yes. I would show them, I would become enlightened and finally get their respect and approval. What I didn’t take into account, was that once the process would be well underway I would stop caring about that longtime fantasy of approval. If or when I’ll ever get it, I won’t give a crap anymore, isn’t that ironic. I have to say, it has been somewhat of a revelation to suddenly realize my whole family is and was wrong. But it doesn’t end there. Schoolbooks are wrong. Newspapers are wrong. Political parties are wrong. Everybody we look up to is wrong. It’s unbelievable, except that it’s not. Mind-blowing.
More notes from my walk, as a disk jockey announces a song from a band called “Badfinger”. “Cut the fucking finger pointing at the fucking moon, just look at the moon for Chrissakes!! Don’t put fucking rings on the finger!”
Yeah, I was pretty worked up about it. Feeling better now. If there’s more, I’ll come back later.
posted by M. at 7:02 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home