fold, unfold

Watched a film today. Suddenly realised how in films it's something to fix, when a person likes being alone, wants to be alone. Usually they get unannounced visits by people until this annoying persistence melts their icy exterior. In the end, the character loosens up and becomes like the rest of them, and wants to be around other people from then on. They are fixed, their unnatural inclination towards being alone is fixed and all is well with the world.
Just something I noticed. I'd be offended if I could. People seem to be threatened if someone wants and needs to be alone, I see it in my own life. The pressure is something I could do without. In fact, the past weeks I have been completely alone and it has been refreshing.
Not ready to quit everybody, but if I could without hurting anyone I might. If it's the right thing to do, it will happen. Or not.
Whatever I do is the right thing. Whether I write or not, whether I finish this sentence

Trusting Life comes first, in my script. Trusting all will be dealt with in the most perfect way if I let Life in charge. Bit confused about this at times, should I write, should I write and write and write and write? But then it seems like I shouldn't so I don't and let things take their course. I don't know. sometimes my head gets fogged up and I don't know. this is what happens when I am in contact with people. that part of the script is unfolding into unknown territory.
have nothing to add at the moment. nervous. working stuff out.

fish

Thoughts tumbling through my head again. or are they? It feels like my head.
I had a weird experience. First walk through the dark in a long time. At night. there were no thoughts. the first half of the walk, there were no thoughts and no fear, without thoughts, there could be no fear. No residual thought constructs from rape and other past experiences. it was weird, felt empty, although felt isn't the right word. it seemed bleak, barren, a bit intimidating, no foothold.
I walked fearless through the dark night and there was only that.
the second half of the walk I felt myself getting heavier and thoughts descended again.
it was so barren. that was all there was. no past, no future, no comparing, no anticipating. creepy odd.
The wave motion is strong this week or these days. So much thinking it gives me headaches, or no thinking. there is more of consciously stopping the worry process because 'everything is taken care of', everything gets done, in its own time.
is this true? my gut says yes. all is a big puzzle and the pieces are flying together. so says my life I guess.

I went to the second-hand store in search of something I thought I needed. it wasn't there but I felt like there was a reason behind my being in that place at that time, so I stayed in order to find out what it was. I made a circle through the store past the furniture, lamps, clothes, to the heart of the store - books - and this is what I saw on a shelf, right in front of me. I was so moved I couldn't move for a minute. Moby-Dick.
hard cover, embossed, huge, Dutch translation of Moby-Dick. which was what I had asked for the day before and then let go. with a Dutch translation I might be able to understand the old English in the original book better. I was impressed. (for less than the cost of a hamburger.) better than anything I could have asked for.

replacing boxes with other boxes

deeper, go deeper. reading and thinking so much it's giving me a headache. what now? what's next? I am here, now, so the next subject can present itself. don't know which way to go, so much stuff. do I need to deal with it or just go on? what can I leave behind and what must be dealt with? how do I make this distinction?
it is an I still, so this I can't make a well-informed choice. not that there are any well-informed choices. life presents something and 'I' go with it. so now, maybe it's the next thing to do to just write, like automatic writing, barf on the pages, get it out of this head, make room. and then, nothing.
maybe God is an appropriate subject. although I don't believe in 'a god' in a traditional sense, it is one of the names I use. Universe, Life, All That Is. God. so. right. what do I believe? I believe, suspect, think, feel, that everything and everyone, all that is all of this and that and everything in here and out there and in between, all that is God. everything. why do I think this? it seems the most logical. considering everything is made from the same stuff, according to physics, I'm not a physicist, but it seems logical, since everything that dies feeds everything that lives and eating produces growing nails and so on.
is this important? should I be going this way? I'm not sure.
God is everything. I don't know. dead end street it seems. nothing else comes up. does it?
since I've had many faces I don't have a problem with dictators and paedophiles being just as much a part of God as anything else. donkeys, Mother Teresa, mushrooms, the stone in my shoe. everything. so why am I writing this down? to keep things going? seems I'm just groping around in the dark hoping to touch on a subject that is the next subject to write about and leave behind.
when I'm sitting in my chair, and I come back from dozing off into a book, or watching tv, and I pay a little attention, it seems there's this slightly vibrating veil over everything. it reminds me of how I saw things that time when I hadn't slept in three days, not even a minute. it doesn't feel real. nothing feels real. it's not just like those times when I sat back in amazement cos my life's so weird and I look back on it like it's a movie, it's... stating a fact (having trouble here, finding the right English word). it does not feel real. that's why I don't feel like sleeping a lot is a waste of time. everything seems like a waste of time, some things a nicer waste of time than others. it even feels like I'm sleeping and I'm only doing what I'm supposed to be doing, but my heart isn't in it, or something like that. does that make sense?
my heart isn't in it because.. it's not the real deal yet. that's why I can't get excited about big stuff. small things, yeah, like my rocking chair, I was happy to see it was still there waiting for me. but it's like ..oh well. like I'm waiting. in a state of waiting. as if I Know something, like I'm sitting in a bus and looking out the window, somewhat amused but not wildly enthusiastic because it's not where I'm going and maybe I'll get out once in a while to drink some water, look around, stretch my legs and then on with it, the bus drives on and I take my seat. and nothing can hold my undivided attention until the bus arrives at the destination, my destination.
so what do I need to leave behind? I mean right now, what is the next thing or next bunch of stuff that needs to be discarded. or maybe I shouldn't ask, maybe the writing is enough for now. stuff's happening inside me anyway. need some exercise, think I'll move around some furniture. give it a rest.

Autumn

amazing
how leaves fall
in a life without meaning

what do I want?

what do I want? what do I really want?
nice food, yummy food. lots of sleep. a painless body. health, a fulfilling job, sex (lots and lots), I want to be drawing again, create beauty, write my book. I want to live, but really, really live. I want to be real. I want to stop thinking. I want to relax into not-thinking and letting the moment speak to me. I want to be able to let things flow naturally, without interfering.
what do I really want? I want to not be afraid anymore. lose the fear. so I can go for long walks again, become the slimmer me, the stronger me.
is there a lot of fear? yes and no. yes? residual fear from the rape and the molestation. what else? to cause pain, suffering. why? it messes me up, the world becomes askew, nothing is calm anymore. you want calm? yes. you want peace? yes, sort of, I want the turmoil to dissipate. I want to stop questioning everything and just be. why don't you? ... I want to know everything. on the one hand it seems quite dull to know it all, have no more questions, it seems like a horrible place to be for an inquisitive mind. on the other hand, all would be at rest. no more gnawing doubts, no more fear (this I like most, I think), and the knowledge that This Is It. This is what it is.

anthill of thoughts

Working on some hard questions.
Gonna write down my notes from today.

Still making deals. If I am to follow the road the Universe wants me to take, I should not get cancer and my sister/niece/nephew shouldn't die. You can take my mother, father, best friend and give me some treatable disease or whatever, and I'll be a good little soldier and do everything Life wants me to.
This is what my mind is doing. Busy, busy, busy. Negotiating, bartering.
So, what if I had the choice? Would I still be chasing Truth? Would I give up chasing Truth in exchange for being completely and utterly healthy, feeling better and better about myself, developing a healthy, juicy ego, having no deaths among the ones I care about most, writing the book, seeing it become a massive success, having a relationship and lots of sex (lots and lots), maybe even a kid?
Would I? I wrote this down in the afternoon which I spent in bed with Jed and a notebook. It's an important question for me, and it seemed important to let it stew for a while.
I am in the motion of getting there anyway. No matter what the answer is, what's supposed to happen will happen anyway, so it's all bollocks really, but it's still part of the process or else I wouldn't have written it down in the first place.
So would I? it reminds me of "The Last Temptation of Christ" by Nikos Kazantzakis.
I usually don't play the If-game. Not that I know of anyway.
Does it really matter what I think? What I write down?
Walked along the canal again, so many thoughts tumbling through my head it gave me a headache. the low October sun shone on the poplar trees, rustling in the wind, giving them a golden hue against the backdrop of a clear blue sky.
It was beautiful. so many ways for the wind to stir autumn leaves in a tree. there's so much to see, so much beauty in the world. I don't want to be bartering, I don't want to stay alive in order not to hurt some people by dying, I want to live. For me. I want to live, for me!
Apart from the rape I haven't been near death recently. I've been on the fence most of my life. Thinking I wanted to die but not having the balls to kill myself, then realising I wasn't meant to and so on.
So now I want to live, apparently.
Does this have anything to do with waking up? I'm not sure, I don't know. it seems you're more able to appreciate life-stuff when you're awake, without all the pesky fears muddying the waters. I don't think the one rules out the other. so maybe I shouldn't be bothering with this at all.
Except I am, therefore I should. if you know what I mean. all in the script baby.
so would I postpone waking up as part of the aforementioned fictional deal? Trying to find out how important this really is for me.
Let's say I'll be dying of cancer within the next three months. would that be incentive enough to make a deal and postpone enlightenment? go into it, M, don't be afraid to use the big words now. it's all in the script, there is nothing you can do wrong. everything you do is perfect.
I'm still not sure. would I want to be plugged back into the matrix, knowing what choice I had made, or with full amnesia?
Life made it clear this is something I must work out for myself. I must be clear about my intentions, my goal. not a bit of this and a bit of that. what if I were to die soon, could the promise of a long, fulfilling life keep me from my search?
I wouldn't be able to prevent myself from waking up, let's be clear on that, it would pop up and present itself to me all the time, until I fell into it.
I'd probably be unable to keep my end of the bargain.
questions would be roaring inside me, relentlessly. might be that nothing would be capable of holding my attention. I don't think I could give up if I wanted to. I probably don't want to.
let's face it, I am not doing this jed McKenna style. I am not travelling in a straight line, mine is a different story. I am going as fast as I can though, but the loops are necessary. all about the book. first waking up, then writing the book. so that's one less thing to worry about.
I worry so much. I worry that life will take me away from this, like it does sometimes when there's something that must be worked through, I worry it will forget about me (how can Life forget about me?), I worry about neglecting people in my life, which luckily they have gotten used to by now, I worry about all the side effects. I worry about nonsense. I worry about dying early in the game. I worry I won't get to do my thing. won't get to enjoy the nicer things about this world, about being here. being alive. I do want to live, I do. I worry that Life will put me in another life threatening situation to learn what I need to learn, that's why I grab every hint and magnify it so I can learn from smaller things.
what do I want? Who am I? seriously. next post.
underneath the 'what must happen will happen anyway" "everything that happens is the perfect thing to happen next" is another current of fear. 'see how I understand and try so hard to be my bestest me to accept how Life happens? see? now please don't punish me, please don't give me more pain. I am doing what you want, you see what a good little soldier I am? besides, I have so many problems and weaknesses already, you don't want me, go smite someone else.'

notes

How's this for weird: on days like these the 'normal' world seems so unreal and dreamlike, but on other days this search seems remote and like another dream.
which it is I guess, but at least then I feel closer to real stuff.
one of the things I wanted to write down today was about nice dreams and bad dreams, and how I felt for decades that I wanted to help people. But what I know from experience is that you definitely want to wake up if your life is a nightmare. so why would you help anyone make their dream more agreeable? why help? the struggle I've been through up until now has been HELL. no point in going through all that shit if you're somewhat okay with where you are. why help someone feel better in the dream so they can dream on?
it's all in the theme park, good and bad, black and white, and everything is part of the play. so nothing is wrong. in theory. it feels differently of course, when you get stuck with a horrible scenario.
well that's enough, it was something I wanted to write down and now I did. it's beside the point anyway. not something to worry about now. first is waking up, then we'll see what happens.

blah and more blah

How easy life sucks me back in. One moment I'm excited about Truth, the next some stupid commercial numbs me back to 'normal'. Up and down and down and down and up. My mind flooding with things I just had to write down but which were gone half an hour later. Is mind the same thing as ego? does it matter? Guess not.
And sure, it's part of the process, one step forward, two steps back, or the other way around. Working through it and all that. Adjusting. And this is part of it too. impatience, then acceptance "this is just how it goes", "what happens is what should happen" and all that blah blah. Tired though. of all the things that need to happen on the way.
on the way? on the way where? is there a road to Truth? I don't know. I think I'm on my road to Truth. Feel sad. There are still things, situations, unfoldings, I prefer over others. There are scenarios I'd rather not experience.
why not? it's all in Life's theme park.
it's because of connections with people. I'd rather not die before the book is written. But this is so strong a desire in me that it must be what Life wants as well, although I am not entirely sure.
I don't think I should be sure about anything.
am I scared? yes and no. no, because it all happens and unfolds like it was intended and this is how it feels most of the time, despite everything that has happened, which is a lot. it had to happen this way. so whatever's next, that should happen as well. yes, because I don't like pain, physical pain, being dependent on others, hurting some, not being able to experience the wonderful things this theme park has to offer. Scared I might die before I get to any of the good stuff.
scared I might die and be in light and everything, which is still part of the story, the stage, the Play. I don't want it anymore. I am crying. this is real. There's loads of storylines, I bet, but I'm so tired of it.
I want Truth, I want what's true, please, no more playing around.
yes, you can drag me back into the story with a juicy storyline, yes I'll be distracted for a while, but what's the difference? the human adult thing seemed nice a year or so ago, and I thought maybe that's where I'm going (like I have anything to say about it), and I'm watching The Bachelorette with one eye right now and even that can draw me in but oh my god show me the curtain.
there's a drawing in a book about alchemy with a man on his hands and knees, crawling to the edge of the snow-globe. inside the snow-globe is the normal landscape, outside the snow-globe is stars and planets and abstract shapes. he is outside the world. that drawing fascinates me, has for a long time, used to be for its colours, or so I thought. anyway, it's a nice picture. I was arranging books and saw it again and this time noticed how he was on his hands and knees. like he's crawling, struggling to get there, with his last strength, he must reach the edge, the end of the world under the snow-globe.
nothing is worth it you know, nothing else is worth it. all the riches and wonders of the world, how could I ever enjoy them when I don't have this? how can I go on without knowing? it's all a distraction.
"Truth exists." I don't feel it. I recognize it but don't feel it. where the fuck is it. where is it. where is truth.
and even at this moment I know that I'll be sucked in again, sucked into the matrix and I'll have forgotten all about these feelings, this fever that was in me today. I'll be fast asleep again because this body is not ready, this ego is not ripe enough. or whatever. just the thought of sinking back into deeper sleep yet again.. ugh! I don't want to. yes, this will be gone by tomorrow, and so will these feelings, but I hate wasting time. I don't want this anymore, this story, these accessories, compassion, love, soap-stories, drama.
how can people live and then work until they die? without questioning anything? how is that possible? I'm not even jealous of them anymore. Ignorance is bliss my ass.
I was a born want-to-know-it-all. this is not going to end until I find Truth. or truth finds me. all else is worthless.

dial 1 for super duper delivery

Weird. Things are manifesting real quick now!
Like I said before, I rarely know what I want, but when I do know, there's no question about it; it gets done, it comes my way.
Just this afternoon I told someone about a wish (a practical one) and this evening the exact right thing appeared. Because I was clear about what I wanted. Awesome.
(And no, I didn't order take-out.)
Grateful and excited.

Tides

Emotional, must be getting my period, since I also did the dishes (hurray!).
Feel lost. Some people seem to be missing me. It has been weeks since anyone heard from me. Wish I could disappear altogether.
Wrote poems about false and true.
Been watching a lot of Dexter episodes. My favourite show. First time I heard the voice-over talk about pretending to be human was a shock, but a good one. Imitating other people's behaviour in social situations, trying to understand what the appropriate feelings or response are in a certain moment. Apart from the killing Dexter and I have a lot in common.
Don't have much to say actually, just trying to get this writing habit going again.
Too tired for the world and its news-soaps. Can't think beyond this moment.
So obvious how Life moves through me in waves, the process is never a straight line, I've become so familiar with it that I can sort of predict the next swelling of waves or retreating of the sea. Helps me go with it.
It's late, I can hear the wind beating against the house and trees. People are asleep. I am listening to a beautiful piece of music. And the wind.

miss Read

I just misread Spiritual Autolysis. Not too tired to smile.
Spiritual Autopsy.
This could be a keeper.

abyssmal

Don't know what to write, as usual.
Cried a little just now, felt something.
Yesterday was different. I was indifferent. I didn't feel anything. Even when a few tears rolled down my cheeks, I didn't feel anything.
House is a mess, worse than ever. Everything has to be examined and either thrown out or assigned a place. Does that sound familiar? It has been turned upside down as much as I have the past months, years. It's taking me forever, my head is swamped.

Started reading "SE - the damnedest thing" again. Comforting. Comforting to read something that's true.
Last night I stopped reading at "Truth exists." I don't fully realize that this in itself is truth/true. I recognize truth when I read it or am near it, but don't Realize that Truth Exists. Even though Jed's books read and feel true and - because of this - offer comfort. Truth feels like home, is familiar to me. But I don't FEEL it yet, in every pore.

My life has been a great big drama, hugely entertaining, probably, from the enlightened point of view and it leaves me with endless anecdotes and material for a book. And even though this search started with an experience of ..well I don't know what it was but it felt amazing, warm, relaxed, powerful and so on, even though this was what propelled me onto my search, it slowly changed.
From trying to feel that way again, to make that 'divine' experience a permanent one, it turned into following my heart, listening to my intuition, reprogramming my mind, seeing falseness everywhere and recognising Truth.
On the way to realizing Truth.

Yesterday I was tired of the game. The drama, the fake. Today I'm able to see there might be fun in it if there is no attachment to outcome. Fun might be had.
I'm not having it, yet, but I see how it would be possible.
I can't strive for a great job though, or an amazing relationship. Every time I consider doing or having something meaningful, the daydream ends in realizing it would be a detour.
The only time that feels wasted is not time spent sleeping but time spent with alcohol or painkillers in my system. I value my clarity more than anything else. Any amount of time spent without a clear mind is time wasted.

I'm tired. You know when someone is a workaholic and they get sick on their day off? That. After all these years of surviving and the past six months of total upheaval I have now shut down and withdrawn from the outside world. Because I can, it's quiet here. If I could, I'd sleep for days.
This is why nothing is getting done and sorted, tossed and so on. Tired.
Interesting to see what comes of this though.
It can't be like this forever. This mess.
So tired.

let Life be enough

I don't want to lose me. Now that I'm finally, after decades of extremely hard work and several types of hell, getting to discover and choose who I really am.
But this is who I am.
I am someone who has been working towards this no matter what it cost me, and it has cost me dearly. In terms of a normal life I mean.
I just wasn't that into it.
This is who I am. Surrendering to Life is who I am. It is inevitable.
That bothers me. I can kick and scream and fight what I want, it's inevitable that in the end, I surrender. That's where my life's been heading.
Stinging eyes again.
Don't I want my goal to be reached?
But then my mind/ego won't get the credit, won't get compliments and reassurance about how awesome it is for doing all this.
I won't care about validation.
And this is scaring me?
How much easier life would have been if it had been like that when I was young. Not caring about other people's opinions, negative or positive.
Is it balance? Do I feel the need for praise and endless kudos to make up for what my life has been, of people putting me down?
Am I really putting my life on hold for that? Sad. Understandable but sad. My own opinion of myself is clearly not enough for me.
What is my opinion of me now we're at it?
I'm not sure.
Good sign.

Surrendering.
It will come. In its own time. Getting there, but it can't be forced.
You won't help shoots grow by pulling them up higher.
Let Life be enough. Life is already here, all the time.

big bad thing called Life

Not much to say lately. Only been home since a few weeks after being in several places that were not here (in so many ways). Now trying to sort stuff out before a next move. It's a lot of work, my head being as full as it usually is.
I'm trying to start a ramble here. It's not going well.

Chitchat's not my thing really..

The last step is a bitch.
This trusting, surrendering. I'm not good at it. Obviously.
Sometimes I think I can see how even every sunbeam is in the right place, and every little thing is exactly as it should be.
Sometimes I fear things will go to hell if I don't intervene or get off my ass and do something about it.
Sometimes I stop and listen to my intuition. Most of the time actually. I listen and then do nothing, let things unfold, or I am invited to do something, act, go with the unfolding, let it act through me.
Hard to put into words. I'm used to writing in Dutch now.
Anyway. When it comes down to it I always follow the voice of my intuition. So I don't really get what's so hard about trusting when I'm already doing it in the way I live this life.
Is it like giving up? Does surrender feel like giving up to me? Like someone got the best of me? My eyes are stinging with tears so there must be some truth in that.
It feels like.. they've won. It feels like I haven't fought hard enough. Like I haven't stood up for myself enough. It feels like failure.
Surrendering feels like failure.
Oh boy.
Like there's some great big bad thing that wants the worst for me. And it will seize the opportunity of me surrendering to crush me like a fucking bug. Like a fucking meaningless bug, without any consequence to the world whatsoever.

So.. meaninglessness, does that scare me? Does that stop me, hold me back? The realisation that my life is meaningless (whether it really is or not)?
That all the pain and suffering have been completely pointless? That I might die some stupid fucking death without being some big hero in this lifetime?
So it's not enough for me. I WANT things. So that means, the way things are is not enough for me. So actually I'm saying life is not enough, life as it is is not enough, not good enough, is lacking. Do I know what life is lacking? Do I know how life would improve? How things would be better? And for who? Just for me or for lots of people?
Do I want to be a God? Am I fighting that hard not to have to live my life? "I'm okay with living this life, if I knew for sure that.."
If I knew for sure that surrendering wouldn't be the signal for Life to come crashing down on me and fuck me in the ass, harder than ever. Like Life is the big bad thing that has it in for me. That's what I think, isn't it? That Life has it in for me.
That Life is waiting for a chance to deliver its hardest meanest blow and it's waiting for my most vulnerable moment to do it. Only complete surrender wouldn't be my most vulnerable moment. So that's where I'm wrong, or the mind is wrong, whatever. Surrender WOULD be mind's most vulnerable moment, that much is true.

Let's look at the facts here. a) I am already listening to my intuition in everything I do, every time a decision needs to be made. I'm already listening for clues, looking for patterns, it has grown that way, in the course of the years it has become my way of doing things. Listening to what Life wants me to do next.
b) Complete surrender is extremely hard for me.
Me in this case being my mind. Since I'm already living from another place than the mind.
I'm just sitting here right now. Digesting this information.
I'm going to do a Salute to the Sun now, to stretch my limbs and digest some more.