Growing pains

Well on my way now, I feel like crap.
Apparently classes resumed at the dojo but I'm too damn scared to go and hating myself for it. I feel so bad.. God, I feel bad. Resentment, hate, desperation, grief, pain, it's all there again. A sinking feeling in my gut, a tightness in my chest, fear raging through me, how familiar.
My mother called just now and it was difficult to hold back the tears until she hung up the phone. I feel so awful.. so lonely and left out. I feel like such a failure. Crying now. Don't know what to say really. Don't know what to do. My heart is hurting, like it's being torn apart. Well, go right ahead. Tear me to pieces until nothing is left. There isn't anything of value here anyway.
I'd like to write more but at the moment there's nothing left to say. This stuff is difficult.