Upward pressure, downward leasure
I'm tense. Another step will be taken, maybe today or tomorrow, I can feel it. I've come to recognize the different stages in the process. As always when something is about to change, my body is wired with tension, especially around the solar plexus area. A somewhat nervous energy crawling around inside of me, with peaks of being stressed out and scared shitless.
Yesterday probably started it. I was with both my best friends. First I spent the day with my close and bestest friend. I was able to forget about the trials and tribulations of the quest for truth-realization for a while and actually engage in conversations about guys, ATWT, the Bold, going out, food (quelle surprise) and sports. I liked it!! I actually enjoyed it, felt quite relaxed compared to the state I've been in for the past several weeks. Weeks? Let's not kid myself: months, and it's nowhere near being over.
In the evening my other close friend came by for an hour, which was perfect for the both of us, since I'm not very good at seeing a lot of people for an extended time. A lot of people meaning more than one. If someone comes to visit, or I go to visit somewhere else, afterwards I need time to myself. I have to be alone because it's tiring even though it's nice. I don't know why it's so hard on me to be with people.
Goddammit, my tv is giving up, that's, like, the biggest nightmare in this dreamstate, not having my tv anymore to slouch in front of. Okay, now I'm stressed out yet again. Fuck!! Crap!! Shit!! Maybe they're working at the cables or something, oh please don't take my voluntary enslavement away from me! I wouldn't know what to do with myself. It must be a pretty big step ahead of me or else something like this wouldn't happen. Yes, I'm on to you, universe, I know your tricks and schemes to aid people in their attempts to wake up. You know the problem is that I want to decide myself when I'm good and ready to take the next step, that's how fucking arrogant I am. Yeah, take that.
Oh well.
It's gray and unattractive weather outside, perfect to go for a walk. I really should because I'm starting to resemble Garfield. Also I have this urge to switch the buddha statues with statues of Garfield. What's the difference anyway? That big, fat cat radiates contentment, he's supremely happy with his life (well, after he's been fed and taking a nap), so why the hell not. No point in changing your life or doing away with ego if you're perfectly happy with the way things are. Since I love lasagna as much as he does, I like to kick dogs just as he does (just kidding!), I bitch and moan about my age as much as him, I guess I could put my picture up there as well.
It doesn't matter, I'm on my own, I can do as I please, there really is no one to guide me but me. No guru, no statue, no picture, no mantra, no spiritual name, no guidance, I have nothing to go by, so I can choose whatever and whoever I want as my next teacher: Garfield, the weather, the homeshopping channel, a turd on the sidewalk, ducks in a pond.. I can learn from everything I encounter. It's just that lately I'm so damn lazy.
"Sigh", I'm rambling.
I want to write something, sometimes that helps clear things up for myself. Right, I remember now: I'm reading Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment for the second time and the following just caught my eye, which means it's important for me in this moment:
"Observe this state [the ego-clad, nestling state]. Make a study of it as it appears in yourself and others. Turn the light of your mind upon it. See it everywhere. Learn to recognize the workings and reasonings of ego. Dissect thoughts, words and actions to find the kernel of fear within. To know the lie is to hate it; to see it is to slay it."
Okay, so that's what I've been doing for so many years, good to know. I have gotten to know the lie very well, especially that kernel of fear. I despise it, it makes me sick, it thoroughly fucked up my life and I want to be done with it, no matter what.
Gotta go for a walk now or I won't have enough time left before ATWT begins. Let's just hope my tv doesn't enter purgatory permanently and make my life even more miserable than it already is.
M.
Yesterday probably started it. I was with both my best friends. First I spent the day with my close and bestest friend. I was able to forget about the trials and tribulations of the quest for truth-realization for a while and actually engage in conversations about guys, ATWT, the Bold, going out, food (quelle surprise) and sports. I liked it!! I actually enjoyed it, felt quite relaxed compared to the state I've been in for the past several weeks. Weeks? Let's not kid myself: months, and it's nowhere near being over.
In the evening my other close friend came by for an hour, which was perfect for the both of us, since I'm not very good at seeing a lot of people for an extended time. A lot of people meaning more than one. If someone comes to visit, or I go to visit somewhere else, afterwards I need time to myself. I have to be alone because it's tiring even though it's nice. I don't know why it's so hard on me to be with people.
Goddammit, my tv is giving up, that's, like, the biggest nightmare in this dreamstate, not having my tv anymore to slouch in front of. Okay, now I'm stressed out yet again. Fuck!! Crap!! Shit!! Maybe they're working at the cables or something, oh please don't take my voluntary enslavement away from me! I wouldn't know what to do with myself. It must be a pretty big step ahead of me or else something like this wouldn't happen. Yes, I'm on to you, universe, I know your tricks and schemes to aid people in their attempts to wake up. You know the problem is that I want to decide myself when I'm good and ready to take the next step, that's how fucking arrogant I am. Yeah, take that.
Oh well.
It's gray and unattractive weather outside, perfect to go for a walk. I really should because I'm starting to resemble Garfield. Also I have this urge to switch the buddha statues with statues of Garfield. What's the difference anyway? That big, fat cat radiates contentment, he's supremely happy with his life (well, after he's been fed and taking a nap), so why the hell not. No point in changing your life or doing away with ego if you're perfectly happy with the way things are. Since I love lasagna as much as he does, I like to kick dogs just as he does (just kidding!), I bitch and moan about my age as much as him, I guess I could put my picture up there as well.
It doesn't matter, I'm on my own, I can do as I please, there really is no one to guide me but me. No guru, no statue, no picture, no mantra, no spiritual name, no guidance, I have nothing to go by, so I can choose whatever and whoever I want as my next teacher: Garfield, the weather, the homeshopping channel, a turd on the sidewalk, ducks in a pond.. I can learn from everything I encounter. It's just that lately I'm so damn lazy.
"Sigh", I'm rambling.
I want to write something, sometimes that helps clear things up for myself. Right, I remember now: I'm reading Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment for the second time and the following just caught my eye, which means it's important for me in this moment:
"Observe this state [the ego-clad, nestling state]. Make a study of it as it appears in yourself and others. Turn the light of your mind upon it. See it everywhere. Learn to recognize the workings and reasonings of ego. Dissect thoughts, words and actions to find the kernel of fear within. To know the lie is to hate it; to see it is to slay it."
Okay, so that's what I've been doing for so many years, good to know. I have gotten to know the lie very well, especially that kernel of fear. I despise it, it makes me sick, it thoroughly fucked up my life and I want to be done with it, no matter what.
Gotta go for a walk now or I won't have enough time left before ATWT begins. Let's just hope my tv doesn't enter purgatory permanently and make my life even more miserable than it already is.
M.
posted by M. at 11:27 PM
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