My private little soap opera
Okay, I have to take a moment and think about how I'm going to write about this weekend, since my mind is clouded by six candybars (oh no, not again) and I feel a minor sugar induced coma coming up.
Let's see, Saturday was different from any of the days of the last two months. I woke up feeling like something had changed, I even hit the snooze button only once! That's like, a small miracle.
I felt different, so there I was, in my still warm bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what it was that made me feel this way. Then I knew: the quiet desperation was gone. This desperate feeling had accompanied me for the last two months and now it wasn't there anymore. I felt like before, although that's not really possible because that would mean no progress has been made. Yet still, I felt like my 'old self' again.
I went to karate and although I was insecure as always, scared to look like a clumsy amateur (which of course I am), it was good to be back and move my ass. After two hours of heavy training (or so it seemed to me) and heavy breathing my body was hurting all over. Which was good. 'Grinning'. I was able to make jokes, I smiled, I even suspect my eyes were shining again and nothing phoney about it. It was a good day, I actually enjoyed it.
It wore off eventually, but the black despair didn't come back. It felt like I was succesfully sucked back into the world, my own little world with the people I'm familiar with, and the conditions I'm familiar with however difficult they are. I didn't fight it, this journey has been exhausting and it was and is nice to feel 'normal' for a while.
For the remainder of the weekend I pondered progress and what is happening to me. I felt content and sad at the same time, like I was saying goodbye to people and things that are dear to me.
I hate thinking about having to leave my boyfriend, I really, really hope this will not be 'asked' of me by my intuition. I don't know, fear of this doesn't stop me to go further, but I love him dearly and I don't see why I couldn't be in a relationship when I'm awake. My mother has had a lot of contact with an enlightened man during the last years of his life and he was married and had kids. Well there you go. Also I discovered another enlightened/awake one and he is married as well. He woke up during his marriage and apparently didn't see any reason to divorce his wife just because he woke up from the dreamstate.
Okay, so I'm worried about this, so sue me. It's hard to leave everything behind, but still, I don't think it's necessary to literally leave everything behind, but rather to sever the bonds, the attachment to people and stuff (not very poetic at this late hour). Of course there's no question as to whether relationships change beyond recognition when one of the people involved wakes up from the dream, but that's not necessarily a bad thing for either side.
Yes, I got sucked in again pretty efficiently, but at the same time I saw this, I watched it happen. I thought hey, my soap opera is on again. This weekend was probably the two steps forward and now I'll have to wait and see what the one step back will look like. I wonder how it would be if I really tried to not look at the world as a stage, see what happens when I try to believe in it. Could I? Is that possible? Somehow I don't think so. We'll see where it goes from here.
Silly questions, those of my last entry. Oh well, I'll just go ahead and study all that is false until it evaporates under my gaze of scrutiny. What's left will be true. I don't have to worry about recognizing truth, for now it's sufficient to be able to recognize what isn't true, plenty of that around. So on with the search.
Let's see, Saturday was different from any of the days of the last two months. I woke up feeling like something had changed, I even hit the snooze button only once! That's like, a small miracle.
I felt different, so there I was, in my still warm bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what it was that made me feel this way. Then I knew: the quiet desperation was gone. This desperate feeling had accompanied me for the last two months and now it wasn't there anymore. I felt like before, although that's not really possible because that would mean no progress has been made. Yet still, I felt like my 'old self' again.
I went to karate and although I was insecure as always, scared to look like a clumsy amateur (which of course I am), it was good to be back and move my ass. After two hours of heavy training (or so it seemed to me) and heavy breathing my body was hurting all over. Which was good. 'Grinning'. I was able to make jokes, I smiled, I even suspect my eyes were shining again and nothing phoney about it. It was a good day, I actually enjoyed it.
It wore off eventually, but the black despair didn't come back. It felt like I was succesfully sucked back into the world, my own little world with the people I'm familiar with, and the conditions I'm familiar with however difficult they are. I didn't fight it, this journey has been exhausting and it was and is nice to feel 'normal' for a while.
For the remainder of the weekend I pondered progress and what is happening to me. I felt content and sad at the same time, like I was saying goodbye to people and things that are dear to me.
I hate thinking about having to leave my boyfriend, I really, really hope this will not be 'asked' of me by my intuition. I don't know, fear of this doesn't stop me to go further, but I love him dearly and I don't see why I couldn't be in a relationship when I'm awake. My mother has had a lot of contact with an enlightened man during the last years of his life and he was married and had kids. Well there you go. Also I discovered another enlightened/awake one and he is married as well. He woke up during his marriage and apparently didn't see any reason to divorce his wife just because he woke up from the dreamstate.
Okay, so I'm worried about this, so sue me. It's hard to leave everything behind, but still, I don't think it's necessary to literally leave everything behind, but rather to sever the bonds, the attachment to people and stuff (not very poetic at this late hour). Of course there's no question as to whether relationships change beyond recognition when one of the people involved wakes up from the dream, but that's not necessarily a bad thing for either side.
Yes, I got sucked in again pretty efficiently, but at the same time I saw this, I watched it happen. I thought hey, my soap opera is on again. This weekend was probably the two steps forward and now I'll have to wait and see what the one step back will look like. I wonder how it would be if I really tried to not look at the world as a stage, see what happens when I try to believe in it. Could I? Is that possible? Somehow I don't think so. We'll see where it goes from here.
Silly questions, those of my last entry. Oh well, I'll just go ahead and study all that is false until it evaporates under my gaze of scrutiny. What's left will be true. I don't have to worry about recognizing truth, for now it's sufficient to be able to recognize what isn't true, plenty of that around. So on with the search.
posted by M. at 10:14 AM
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