Drops

Jed's email was - once again - divine timing. How could it not be. I cycled to the gym giggling and grinning all the way. 

As I am melting away, I'm astounded by the fact that this can be missed. It's incredible. It couldn't be simpler. Just astounded. 

Also the 'me' is a bit let down by how ordinary it is after all the time and energy invested. I wouldn't *exactly* call it a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, but it doesn't seem to be anything really. Just.. a relaxing, being and seeing clearly, without all the rubble. 

And still going through cycles of an inward relaxing and bringing forth adrenaline and fear through the body. Then when that energy dissipates, on to the next batch. And so on and so forth. Reminding myself of Further.

In the morning I like to sit in the shed with the door open when it rains. Cat in my lap, coffee next to me, classical music in my ears mixed with the sound of raindrops falling on leaves. It's wonderful.

Choke-hold

To know something, to be aware of it, sometimes still isn't enough. Stuff gets deposited in the body. Since I wasn't allowed to feel this shit, it got stuck there, even though at times I could see clearly the patterns behind it. It has to cycle through, out of the body. 

That's probably why ghosts learn so much quicker, they don't have to process everything through a dense body; when they literally see the light, they're off. Understanding is elevation.

Here it's decades of cycling through garbage. Processing, working through until it gets near the surface enough to be expelled/dissipate. 

In this case. Every story is different. In this case all the feelings, emotions, fear, expressions, got stuck in the body. Everything. Literally constricting my breath.

Hook, line and sinker

My mother is a narcissistic monster. My father too, but he's mostly out of my life. When do I get to live? All this time spent on her, limiting what I can do for my own life. Letting her take and take and take because she's old? Everybody gets old and dies. 

Me too. I am forty five with no life to speak of and here I am again, wasting energy on this monster. 

Of course I am the one I am angry with, because apparently I did have some hidden beliefs about how low she was able to go. So in that sense, this is good. I am enraged. So my beliefs have come to the foreground and now I can hopefully see them clearer. 

Also my attachment to some items, even though I know what happened before when I got too attached to something. It got stolen. By burglars, instead of my mother, but the effect was the same. At the time I knew it too; I had an attachment that was too strong and I was getting assistance on letting go.

This time all of this other stuff is tangled up in it, how she's always giving my sister things, money, help, and the first time she gave me something was when I had saved up for it already because it was something she had been promising for five years and her promises mean shit. She wanted to look good so quickly sent it before I could buy it myself.

A narcissistic monster, successfully pitting me against my sister with shit like this. At least now I'm writing it out of my system, regardless of people's opinion of me, which has held me back far too long as well. Why do I care so, so much? It's ridiculous. What have those other people ever done for me but ridicule me, mock, attack and belittle me? Fuck them. Fuck all of them.

And so what if there is an added element of something violent from a previous life? FUCK THAT SO HARD. Let them kill me again. Fuck them. Fuck this shit. I am alive right now and might not be tomorrow and I can't let other people dictate my life this way, or in any way. It's MY life. Fuck off. 

Thanks to that fucking monster all this shit is finally at the surface where it belongs. I have cared so much about other people's feelings for so fucking long. Fuck them, Fuck all of you. I matter. This is my life, and if I'm to get rid of having to live another, you should matter to me for absolutely zero percent. Fuck all y'all. 

Thanks monster. Narcissistic fucking monster manipulator. No more excuses, I have been through so much evil crap too and I still try at least to be decent to others. (Except now, please go Fuck yourselves, thank you.) It's inexcusable what you've done to me, this character, even though it's all like perfect or whatever. In the context of this character, you've been a piece of shit. To her. I understand you but I hate you for what you've done. Fuck you so much. And thank you for bringing this to the surface with your extreme, ridiculously egotistical actions. The universe thanks you. Now go fuck off.

I wasn't aware of the strong attachment to the thing she stole. Or is it the sheer audacity of not even trying to hide it? Flaunting it. Does it matter?

What is behind this? What belief. I am not allowed to feel. I am not allowed to express my feelings. I am and have been actually surrounded by assholes. But now I am not allowing myself to feel and express certain feelings. Why? Because of some belief that I have to be a certain way, to be good enough to be in the world? To make up for being a leech on society? So I have to be holier than thou? All forgiveness and understanding and shit. Doormat with welcome on it. Please wipe your feet when you trample all over me. Thank you for dumping your dirt on me, that's what I'm fucking here for apparently.

We'll, I'm glad this has come out now. Everything has to eventually. Nothing can be held back. It all has to go, which makes me sad as well. Forty five years of a character's ... characteristics. 

I'm crying now, because it's losing another bit of myself, another bit of precious debris. Full on crying in the backyard, with a cat on my lap. Life.

And there it is again, perfectly timed; the daily 10am reminder "Life knows better than you what you want and need." Laughing. And so it is. Thank you.

Just be

Cycling to the gym this morning, I was once again head-butted by an insect at full speed and from the weight and sound I deduced it was a bee - again. (Wasps feel crispier.) 

I'd been lost in thoughts and questions and knew immediately this was the Universe's way of telling me to just be.

I laughed out loud: just bee.

I reconsidered the shoes about to drop, hidden behind the Universe's back; they might be a pair of dancing shoes. An invitation.

Something in my chest relaxed this week. It released yet another wave of panic and fear, which I'm in the middle of right now, but even filled to the brim with anxiety there's something different. 

I am still aware of the presence of God all around me, softer now, maybe fading. 

But when I come out of autopilot or I've been lost in thought, it's the first thing on my mind. Everything is breathing presence.

Let's take it as it comes,

We'll see

In the meantime

Just be.

 

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"Your feeling of cheese regulation will improve." 

I am following along with YouTube Qigong exercises set to automatically generated subtitles. And I like cheese, so I'm highly motivated.

Snooze job

A good 36 hours, maybe more. Either it's now dwindling, or my body is adjusting in order to keep up. (This morning I kept hitting the snooze button until I gave up and fell fast asleep for three more hours.)

"All God, all the time" was something I have speculated about a lot in my life, but for the past day and a half I sensed it as well.

I felt God's presence in everything. And for such a long time! I had expected it to disappear quite fast but it lingered. Even now I feel different, although the sensing God part is fading, for now.

At times I look up from what I'm doing/reading and remember. Hard to describe, as always.. 

But also: what else can it be, this world? How can someone *not* think about that? To me, that seems impossible. Implausible even.

show time

Notes from the locker room:

All God, all the time. 

Laughed while cycling to the gym. 

That would be a nice tv-channel, showing nothing and everything. If everything is all God, all the time, that should be hard to miss, right? Well, that's what fear does.

The closest relationship I have ever had in this life was and is with fear, even though we're both seeing other people.

And fear is not worried or jealous, because it knows it can pull me back any time with some skillfully administered pain or panic.

Fear makes me completely forget about "all God, all the time" and pulls me back in for prolonged periods of panic, stress, worry.

Which makes it non-abiding non-dual awareness.  

 

Notes in between exercises:  

The visible world is condensed God, like condensed milk, but not as sweet - to this particular character. But it can be.

I look up to see a commercial on one of the screens that says: "stop searching." I smile.

Resigned to the fact that fear will drag me back down to the concrete world.

Panic, terror and pain feel so real it's almost impossible to not get pulled back into the sewer.

Maybe I should use that hologram focus thingy to 'sense' God in whatever I'm staring at at the time. (Okay I tried but it's hard - maybe because it's too general, not specific enough.)

Is this why we're so fascinated by evil? Because only through darkness do we really get to experience light? Even so-called pure evil is just God playing.

I look over and another perfectly timed commercial tells me "the waiting is over."  I get a bit teary-eyed.  

PS

All the spiritual planes of existence, all the levels of evolution a 'soul' can go through, guides, guardian angels, everything is part of that ball, the whole of experience, suspended in consciousness.

Truth-realized is something else entirely (seeing/knowing things from the perspective of consciousness itself? I don't know, lack of experience in that area) and has nothing to do with all those different levels and realms. Those are all part of the same thing. 

They're all storylines.

Is what I imagine.

The World According to M.

Two different worlds in my mind, never sharing the spotlight, always replacing each-other when their turn has come around again.

One world is purely superficial. It's the minor worries and details of everyday life, feelings, emotions, fear-related thoughts and nothing else.

Then, suddenly, I am reminded that reincarnation is a thing, by something on tv or in a book, a memory, a dream of someone I was in another life or of a word in a strange language that turns out to have an actual (significant) meaning, a ghost in my house, whatever.
Or some other strange phenomenon implying the world is so much weirder and more massive and mind-boggling than we think.
Or a realization of some sort, an incredible coincidence that seems so.. on purpose.
This becomes a thread that pulls the world behind the daily world into view again.

The second world; which is only in my head, since it's based on everything I've read and experienced and deduced and can't see around me. Which apparently makes it easy to forget somehow.
The same way I forget everything about the mountain tops when I'm going through another long, shadowy valley, no matter how resolved I was about remembering that it's all going somewhere, there *is* a point to it and all's for the best.
"All's for the best" is also a thing of the hidden world and only in my head. 
Easy to forget, because easy to doubt.

It's a bit like Yin & Yang, only the daily in-plain-sight world is tiny compared to the other world.

What is this world, as it relates to the other world? 
I lack the words. Unfortunately it is so much more concrete as in literal concrete, condensed matter compared to the other stuff, which, again, is only in my mind.

The other world, the picture I've put together in my mind from all I sensed to be true is vast and incomplete, but I'll try to describe it. Maybe it helps. 
Insights I get these days are mostly about my personal stuff, the temporary character's evolution in this particular life. 
This last point I totally forget when I get sucked into drama again. 
But sometimes I 'sense' other people's connection to me from past lives, why they did what they did in this life, where some of my fears come from.
Which is part of this character's evolution, but also a thread that pulls the huge vast other world into view again.

Reincarnation - for me - is the only logical explanation for why things are as they are, and for strange experiences I have had.
Also, parallel worlds. Some of my stuff disappeared into some other reality. 'Reality.'
I've dodged a possible time warp, heard ghosts, saw one a couple of times, had an unforgettable conversation with a cigarette smoking angel at a very opportune time, was saved from a potentially fatal fall by Mary, you name it.
The world is quite weird.
The daily world is very narrow.

All lives, all time lines, all of history, everything has already happened. As if every single experience and point of view, all the different lives lived and yet to live are on a ball floating in a vast sea of consciousness or whatever. 
From there you can choose which life you want to live, because everything has already happened. God was bored or something and wanted to experience Her/Himself in myriad ways, through the eyes and lives of all that lives and has lived, everywhere, every time.
From One came all into existence, everything is God, nothing is not God, everything has already happened, all at the same time.
It's already done and this is also why one particular life can be remembered by more than one person in regression therapy.
If a life stands out, no wonder more 'souls', sparks or pieces of God choose to live it.

Everything and everyone is God/Life experiencing itself.
As Etty Hillesum said "we are all empty vessels, washed through by history" (or something like that).

On the one hand it seems as if there is free will.
On the other hand, when I look back on my life and the many weird coincidences and timely rescues, it is impossible to believe that we all have free will and randomly choose what we do and where we're going, because all the parts fit together so perfectly. 
How interacting lives/parts of the mechanism fit into each-other so seamlessly on such a vast, global (and further) scale is only possible when everything is already set, done, worked out.
So it may feel we choose, but it's all part of the preset course, including the wondering and doubting and reasserting ourselves we have free will by doing something silly or 'unexpected' or illogical to prove it to ourselves or others.

This is all just in my mind, mind you, so I'm not saying this *is* true, but this is what feels true to me.

The Universe as a hologram felt reasonable to me too, but I didn't have the urge to dive into that further than one wonderful and complete book.
If I look at something a certain way, I can 'see'/sense someone's essence in it, someone I'm thinking about very intently. It's a focus thing.

The next bit is what I suspect, without personal experience, so it's just one possibility out of many I'm sure.

When someone realizes Truth, they are still seemingly in a body but have access to all the lives lived on the suspended ball of experience *up until the point of their body's/character's life/time* and can focus on a life of their choosing if the need arises, for instance to dish out some appropriate knowledge to a seeker. 
They have access to all of Universe's history, what 'really' happened, what someone really said, to other languages maybe? This I don't want to say, because there's still the limits of the body and physical brain. 

It's all conjecture anyway. But I thought that perhaps it would be good for me to try and put into words what I have pieced together in my life, through a sensing of what is and isn't true.

Of course I could be completely wrong, and I'd be happily corrected if that would mean getting to the real truth.

For now I don't know what else to do.
The First Step can't be chosen according to Jed, and he would know, so I'll just keep following nudges and inklings and intuition.

Notes

Made some notes this morning and while exercising in the gym yesterday. There's a white whale painted on one of the windows by the way, I never mentioned it, but at the time when I saw it, it was a nice nod. 

------------

My fiction still needs friction,
Although a finer grain
To sand me down.

Approval seeking-related worry all-pervasive, trying to impress/save people, because imagine just being me!
Annoyance and resentment towards loud and obnoxious neighbors, fear of M2's outbursts, of being real in contact with sister & mother.

Overall improving: very cyclic, glimpses close to contentment, love, everyone suddenly greeting me (not everyone), trust, confidence, a few days, then the 2 steps back for yet another adaptation/dissapation cycle.
Very few highs, but higher lows.
And I'm able to move my shoulders more.

I try to just look at the resentment and fear when they arise, sometimes I reason with them, try to be aware, but there doesn't seem much else to do about it but wait it out, this part of the wave.

I want to know Everything. 

I want to know what's true, so I'll know what to let go of. These long intervals are so cloudy and vague, my mind just barely functioning, my house a disgusting tip.

Flowery trappings or necessary aids? Can't tell, so I'm trusting my intuition to guide me.
I use techniques on a daily basis, mainly to help reduce the fear and adrenaline coarsing through me, so my body will be able to relax at some point and my mind gets clearer.
Fear equals fog. Less fear, less fog.

Some exercises I don't know whether they help or are distractions, flowery trappings, fall away by themselves, leading to me first chastizing myself, then realizing that they're probably just not 'for me' and moving on. 

Truth first, truth always first. First truth and then we'll see. Take advantage of the situation you're already in, orchestrated by Existence itself. Get yourself to the truth first, then after that you can find something to do.

What do I want? Really want, apart from the book? Enlightenment/Truth-realization? Or something else?

I need a Lucifer:
"What is it you truly desire?"

Maybe I'll just sit with that question a while, because right now all I'm clear on is getting rid of fear and making sure I don't live another life after this one. This must be my last.
All I know for sure is what I don't want. Is that enough?

10:00 am phone reminder: 
"Life knows better than you what you want and need."

Alrighty then. For now.

SLT

Yes, I know what I wrote. "Awake-adjacent were it not for the fear." LOL! Aren't we all.

I don't think there's anything I can do to speed up the process, because things need to take their course, I am following guidance, and to forcefully try to wrestle myself into a place I am not ripe for might only prolong the whole thing altogether.
Isn't that swimming against the stream?
Or am I deluding myself? 

At the same time it's so damn easy for me to get sucked into tiny drama by fear. Reasoning with myself doesn't help, but I still do it anyway. 
Everything seems overwhelming when fear comes up that strong. Minor things are huge and insurmountable problems and all is going to shit and I'll die in the exact same place and nothing will have changed because my life was useless.
Stuff like that, as Greek ex and me used to say. Stuff like that.