Slush

Okay, well my life is crap. Although, let me see... nope. It's definitely crap.

God I feel awful. Today I got the increasing feeling that my life is meaningless. I walked around with an intense feeling of boredom, I was bored with everything, even the search for enlightenment. I was sick of it. Nothing made sense anymore. What the hell was I doing here? No way of getting out of the merry-go-round, no interest in it anymore.. I don't know.. I'm just not interested in the things 'normal' people are interested in. Which, yes, is also due to the fact that there's no point in desiring for instance a career if none is possible. But the rest of it.. putting time and effort in sustaining superficial relationships with people, petty little goals and worries in life like cars, vacations, mothers in law, fashion, make up, gossip, competition, religion, commercials.. it doesn't appeal to me. Nothing appeals to me anymore.
The whole enlightenment business is just another case of life's running-around-chasing-success deals. I'm going to do away with my buddha statues and the pictures I have of the Dalai Lama. Maybe I'll even throw out my extensive spiritual book collection, what's it's use anyway? Everything's fake. I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I cried my eyes out tonight. What for? What's the big deal about living? What's so good about it? Why for God's sake are people so terrified of dying? And I'm sick of this character too. I don't want this anymore, I want out. I'm tired. This life has nothing to offer but the same old shit, over and over again.
Dark night of the soul? I'll just say this: people like to romanticize.

For those who like happy endings: yes, I'll feel better soon, it couldn't be any other way since I seem to be made of some rubberlike material, I'm one of those round shaped puppets that when you push them down, they pop right back up.

Don't know what else to say except it's a lonely, lonely road and it sucks big time! Who invented this anyway? Is there a return policy I can peek into?

M.

Processing?

I'm not in the mood for anything. Maybe I'll go take a walk or something. Feel listless and nauseous again. I was looking for something and when I went through my things it was like they were someone else's: books, objects, like I was rummaging through someone else's life. What was I doing there? I felt a little detached from everything. Who was this I? I don't know, it's like I was a stranger, a visitor in this body and wherever the body went I followed, just to see where it was going.
I try to read Spiritual Enlightenment, the damnedest thing, but it doesn't interest me anymore as it did before. Today I seem to be bored with the whole enlightenment thing. Probably part of the process, but I'm bored. What am I doing here? What a waste of time. What's not a waste of time? I don't know. What should I do? I don't care, I don't want to do anything. I'm not in the mood to do anything. I'm not even hungry, or maybe I am, but food is also not on my list of desirable things today which is kind of weird. At least with fear you feel something, or joy, or whatever's on next in today's screenplay. Pfff.. BORING!!!
Guess I'll go outside now, the sun is shining. Get me some vitamin D.

M.

The Body and Other Stuff

Okay, went to my new fysiotherapist, tried to keep in mind that it was part of my dream and that I was blessed to have been given these great circumstances for waking up. It seems logical that one would sooner try to wake up from a bad dream than from a good one with all the frills.
In the meantime, she made me do an exercise which I already knew from another therapy and which brought up pain that was masked before. It's difficult to concentrate when lepracons are sticking a knitting needle between your shoulders.
I cried a little, for the pain I had, for the hopelesness of the situation (again: very fortunate circumstances), but soon after, I reminded myself that it was an episode of my very own dramaseries and I should be thankful that I can't hold a job with this body because it gives me a unique opportunity. And the only one that matters anyway.
But still it feels kind of weird to answer the question: what do you want to accomplish with your life? What's your goal? I have to say, enlightenment is my goal. Period. Nothing else is important. I don't think people can handle that, that's why I said I'm already used to them thinking I'm nuts or whatever. I don't mind, it gives me the space and freedom I need for this quest.
Popping in and out of the observer mode. In conversations I tend to forget, when I have pain I tend to forget, but I'm getting better at reminding myself. I just have to steer clear of making too many appointments so I can make sure this exercise gets ingrained in my system. So if I have to go places I can use that as an exercise as well. Like for instance next week when I have to go to my mother's birthday, that will be an excellent test.
I still don't know what else to do to wake up. I'm flailing my arms in my sleep, kicking off the sheets, hurling my pillows across the room and muttering repeatedly "I want to wake up, why won't I wake up?", yeah, why won't I wake up? It seems to me I'm doing everything I can, so maybe I should sit back and relax into the process, but that's just not me. Further. What is me anyway. I don't know. I don't care. No, I don't care anymore who I am. It's not important for waking up who I am in the dreamstate I guess. I could be Fidel Castro for all I care, or one of the smurfs. Who knows? Not me.

Enough for now: places to go, people to see.

***M./smurf.

Time

Appointments tomorrow, one of which for fysiotherapy. The only thing on my mind is that it makes me lose time I can spend on waking up. I feel cornered. Thursday I also have appointments. Such a waste of time. I just want to sit behind my computer and write myself to pieces. I feel pressured for time, but the only one pressuring is me. It feels like a lot of trouble though: four different places to go to tomorrow, how am I going to handle that? Maybe I can come back early in the evening (by which I mean 10pm) and write some more. I don't know, running around seems like so much work when all I want to do is write.
I just want to wake up, please let me wake up. The desire keeps growing inside of me, it's eating away at me, burning from within.
What else can I do to speed things up? Maybe I'll start praying, yeah, I could do that. Burn me, slay me, destroy me, push me over the edge. Do something dramatical, hit me with lightning, strike me down, delete me. I have a present for you, it's my ego, my healthy, fully developed ego, I nourished it especially for you so I had something to give you when I stand before you. Please take my offering, I'll have the black hole, thank you.
Give me a clue as to what I can do to thrust forward, increasing my speed as I go. Please tell me, there is no other reason for my life anymore, only this: I WANT TO WAKE UP!!! If there is something like truth, if Truth truly exists, then I want to be it, live it, know it. Nothing else. Nothing.

Death by Intellect

To write something that's true, or to write until you do.

Reasoning, dissecting, cleaning out the attic. That's what I have been doing for the past twelve years. There was a lot of crying involved, a lot of writing, hysteria, depression, shame, guilt, agression, anger, bitterness, kicking and screaming and all was necessary. It all got written down, I cleansed myself of it. Not entirely obviously, since I'm not awake yet, but the biggest part of my journey is over. The crying got less, the agression and bitterness got less, the hysteria is gone although I can be pretty angry when confronted with deliberate stupidity. I didn't write every day but now I'm doing it again.

What is true?
I collected characteristics, qualities, labels by which to define myself because I didn't know who I was. I made myself up along the way, choosing what to keep and what to get rid of, acquiring new abilities and preferences and at the same time cleaning up the mess that my past had created inside of me. This gave me a sense of how much power we actually have. Now, again. If I am able to assemble my character, I'm also able to dismiss it, tear it apart and throw it away. Just in time, I was starting to be pretty content with who I was. But I trust my destiny to come and disturb the peace when I'm ready for the next step. I completely trust my destiny, well, completely, I still have fears and doubts, but in my heart I know that everything that happens, is the best thing that can happen at the exact right moment.

How could I have gone through this process maintaining a normal job, a family perhaps, a social life? I couldn't have. I was given the opportunity to completely devote my life to finding and living truth by means of a crappy back. I have all the time and space necessary to fulfill my duties as a seeker of truth. It's hard work you know, even though I sleep a lot of the time. But it's not all epiphanies, it's mostly processing new insights, changes, the body and mind need time to adjust to a new situation. I sleep, I eat, I watch tv, I write, I think, I desire truth.
It's a scary road ahead, but the fear has subsided now, I know that everything is okay and the way it should be, my life is going where it should go, where I have always wanted it to go. Now that I got a taste of what's on the other side, I still want it, I still desire it.

What's It?
I want to live in truth, I want to wake up, step out of the dream. No matter the cost. This is what I devoted my life to, this is my destiny. I will be one of them enlightened beings walking the earth, even though I started out differently: in addition I had to get over some pretty hard stuff, let's call it emotional abuse. I had to build myself up from the ground. Well, deeper than that actually, it was kind of hot down there. The advantage I have, is that I know how to do it so I can reverse the process, which I am doing now, I'm tearing down what I built.
I'm using my intellect to do it. I'm an observer and I'm very thankful for my intelligence which can be used as the knife to dissect my ego. I made it, so I'll destroy it.

Now for free will, which is a tough one, I can't get a grip on this, and it's probably not even necessary, but curiosity is something I didn't create, I was born with it. I'm curious as to wether or not there is something like free will.
This is how I experience it in my own life: I have the sense that certain events gave me a clue as to where my road was taking me. In return, I took the road that I found in front of me. I didn't do it alone, the universe or whatever didn't do it alone, it was something we both did. I started to get more sensitive to the voice inside which told me what to do, which way to go. I had a strong will, or so I thought.
What is true at the same time is that I took this little voice's advice, who's voice is that anyway? Was it really me or was it the 'universe', all that is, Tao, whatever, telling me where to go and did I adopt the Great Plan for my life as my own? This way it seems like I chose my path in life, but when I look back on it it seems carefully planned and I took directions every step of the way. I chose to do so but it could be merely because this was already set out for me to begin with. Anyway, I was probably part of planning it all so I don't get to complain. But it does make me wonder about free will. It's such a perfect, colorful mozaic that free will would probably spoil the design.
Enough for now, this is just play, we've got more important things to do.

I'm glad I'm easing into this, for the moment at least. I do have about twenty-four years of experience with the dark side of life, it shouldn't scare me much anymore. Strong winds outside, it seems the weather has always been by my side to accompany whatever mood I'm in. I love storms, I hope I'll get to hear thunder or braking branches or something like that. Nature's powers. Wonderful.
I'm reading the first book again: Spiritual Enlightenment, The Damnedest Thing. I want to immerse myself in the clear language, the truths spoken by someone who knows. 'Someone' of course, since he's not a person anymore.
If I stopped progressing consciously towards this end goal, Truth, I'm certain I would be pulled towards it anyway, I don't have to do anything anymore and it will still happen, it's inevitable. That's why my profile says unstoppable force of nature, I'm just going with the flow, and that's all there is to it really.

Well, don't know what else to write, so that's it for now.

M.

What abyss? There is no abyss. Look at that beautiful flower overthere. Feel a draft?

I'm not sure what to write. I'm still nauseous. But it's soothing to just jot something down. It scares me that I finished reading the book though, it was kind of comforting to have some pages left. Now I'm on my own again.
This spiritual autolysis made me think of the first time I wrote everything down with an invisible audience in mind, it was, say, twelve years ago. I filled pages and pages with dark, hateful, angry words, selfpity, sadness, despair, very emotional stuff. After I filled a big notebook I read it and decided to throw the journal away, I ripped it into tiny pieces and stuffed it in a container for recycling. Very politically correct. I've also burned things that were just too scary to have laying around the house. Well I'm not going to burn this one (duh! It's digital!). Maybe it can be of some use in the future, to me, to someone else, you never know. I just didn't expect I'd have to go through another patch of writing down my darkest fears experiencing total desperation.

My sister called, despite efforts of the medical staff in the hospital where she went today, her baby is still in the same position, they're going to have to perform a caesarian on her. It was weird, I know she's terrified because of the risks, but I didn't even say I'm sorry, I wasn't empathetic at all. This while she's the one I hold closest to my heart.. The only thing I said was that I didn't have time to speak to her because I had to go.

Now for something different I've been wondering about. What's the deal with loving beings like The Dalai Lama and Sonaya? They seem to be in an entirely different realm of existence even though they're not enlightened. I didn't notice myself becoming any more loving and caring et cetera and that was something I had expected would happen. I imagined an awake 'person' to exude kindness, friendliness, acceptance, love, you name it. But as I understand from reading Jed's books, it's nothing like that. It's just life, but then awake.
I don't get it though, they seem so totally different and so much more evolved it wouldn't be enough to just call them Human Adults. There's more to it than that.
Maybe it's what you put your energy into that becomes reality. If I focused on becoming this loving, wonderful, warm and caring person, maybe that's exactly what I would turn into. And because I didn't, I will 'just' wake up, without any trimmings, without 'special' experiences, without being able to sleep on a bed of nails (I greatly prefer my wonderful mattress) and, alas, without the unconditional love thing. Or maybe Jed just forgot to mention the perks. There must be some. Please let there be perks.

***M.

Sick of It

Yup, sick and tired. I will be of no more use to my environment after I'm done. I've expressed my concerns to my boyfriend and he thinks he's able to live with someone who's awake, but that's only because he has no clue as to what it entails. I for sure didn't. Now I do have a clue and it makes me sick to my stomach. I really have to say goodbye, there's no other way.
My friends will survive, my sister will survive although we were pretty close, my parents surely will considering the modest amount of contact we have, but my sweet, my sweet.. how on earth is he going to react? He will have lost yet another partner, he will look for me but I will be gone and I don't know how this shell is going to behave. It's possible I'll stay, it's probable that I'll leave and hide some place where I can be alone, far away from people in general.
I finished reading the book. Jed wonders who would choose this role, and doesn't believe there is anyone who would consciously choose the role of captain Ahab, but I have to tell you man: I did choose this. Although in accordance with the universe. The weird thing is that I have the sense I recognize enlightenment, I can tell true and false apart. It makes me wonder if maybe I have been enlightened in another time and place and decided to do it again but only after enduring all of the crappy things life's play has to offer, so I can understand what people are going through. But it's just an idea and not important for where I am now.
Point is, I looked into the abyss today and I don't like what I saw. Of course it's too late to turn back now, because that would mean throwing away everything I've lived for uptil now. How could I? This is all I lived for and it's going down the drain. There goes my destiny, nothing will be left. I set myself up for this and now.. it all seemed much prettier when I didn't know so much about the state I will be in. No sugary sweet aura, no golden sparks of love flying off in all directions. No wise woman giving out advice to spiritually hungry visitors.
The no bullshit-mentality, yeah, I like that, that's okay, but I'm scared. Scared! No one to comfort me and push me ahead anyway. No one to wait for me at the other side, no one to tell me: M., it's very brave what you're doing, but there is a not-so-slight possibility that you will go stark raving mad, so here's my email address, write me when you're scared.
I want a Jed! I want a Jed McKenna I can write to when I'm scared out of my wits as I am now. God I'm nauseous.. it's so steep. I'm afraid of heights you know.

M.

Around the Corner

I can see what's coming, I can see what's there, I can feel it. It scares the hell out of me but I also know there's no way I'm going back. Not that I could.

This whole journey did make me feel less lonely at one point where I started to be able to have friends, although not many, and almost feel like a normal person. But only now do I realize that the loneliness I have been feeling for well, almost all of my life, is not something that will 'get better', in fact, it's only going to get worse. How to explain someone where I'm going? How to explain why I am going there? Why not be satisfied with having an ordinary life?
Well, because that wasn't possible for me even if I had wanted it. My back and other obstructions made that impossible and at the same time made sure this would be my first and foremost goal, practise and purpose in life: enlightenment. Without that quest, there is no M. And after that quest there also will be no more M. So M. is about unbecoming M. That's just the whole story of my life. Yeah, and now I'm thinking: what after? What will I do after? Will I finally make a living? Well, somehow I don't think that will be on my mind, nor will anything else for that matter. Will I have a child? Why? And why not? I really don't know. I don't know what's awaiting me, all I know is what I have to leave behind to get there. Only, uhm, everything!
My hopes, dreams, lovers, friends, family, tastes, believes, memories, experiences, talents.. nothing matters anymore once I have fallen into that big hole of nothingness. I will have peeled off all of my onion's layers and nothing will be there.
I used to be curious as to how I would become because I saw growth, I witnessed myself becoming more free of fear, acquiring wisdom, finally able to establish friendships and occasionally walk around shops without getting extremely anxious. Big, big steps. For me. But there's no wise person, loving and radiant, emerging. Nothing is coming out of this. Everything will be lost.
God, people will probably think I'm completely out of my mind when they read this. I say to them: that's the whole purpose of it! To not be in this mind anymore. Mmm.. on the other hand I guess I'm kind of used to seeing disbelief on people's faces, when I announced I was going to follow my heart and only do things suggested to me by my intuition I could see people think I had a screw loose, and this was ten years ago.
At least it is clear for me now that I will never be able to enjoy small talk "nice weather isn't it?" or going to a bar for instance, I will not eventually 'grow into it', it's never given me pleasure and it most likely never will. Those things feel fake, even walking through the park feels fake and unreal. It's a nice stage, with red, golden and yellow leaves, beautiful trees.. truly a nice set up, but I can still see it's a set and this kind of ruins the fun.
It has always been difficult for me to enjoy the superficial 'fun' stuff: early in my life I was too scared and later on I got the feeling my destiny was urging me to get on with it, it didn't allow me to stop and smell the roses, I had to go on, continue down this Road I was on, Further! Why such a hurry? Why can't I stop and smell the roses?
It seems to me I was born for this, there is really nothing else in life that has had my complete attention and devotion, not like this. I'm saying goodbye to all the rest. I don't have a clue as to who is coming out at the other end, or maybe I should say what will come out. Will I still enjoy good food? Have a sense of humor? Is the pain in my back gone? What will I desire then? Absolutely nothing? This was my goal, this is what I was working for, suffering for, devoting my every breath and waking moment to. What else is there after my destiny is fulfilled? Eternal boredom? Nothing can engage me anymore, draw my attention, fill me with pleasure, damn, maybe not even sex, that would be bloody horrible. I keep thinking of that book I have: "After the Ecstacy, the Laundry", that about sums it up I guess.

Well Jed, you sure made enlightenment seem less pretty, but unfortunately I'm too stubborn to take the scenic route, there's nothing else left for me but to push through. I hope there is someone on the other side waiting for me, it's all so very lonely.

***M.

A Process of Negation

That's what Jed calls the process of annihilating ego. Annihilation of everything you used to believe was you.
Yes, the book came. At first reading it was a little difficult because I had to get into it, by which I mean the english, not the content. And soon after, I was reminded again of how lonely this road really is. I can fool myself and try to have social contacts, but in fact there is nobody around me who even has a clue as to what I'm doing. Sometimes I didn't even realize where I was heading. Thank God for that. Would I have known what pain and incredible fear I was going to experience I would never have undertaken this journey into the depths of my ego's fiery pit.
I used to think I would be less lonely once I was stronger and know who I was, or once I had a balanced ego or whatever the hell I thought at the time.
I only wanted to feel less fear. That's what started everything. Gradually it became a search for something else. Why is it necessary to first experience what you are not to discover what you are? That's pretty much what I've been doing for the past twelve years. Scanning myself and all the crap I carried with me, choosing what I keep and what I throw away. I choose who I want to be, but now I can see that what I am choosing are continually more honest versions of myself. I'm gradually disappearing altogether.
This process has made me very bullshit-sensitive, I have a goddamn radar for it. I can't even have superficial conversations with people unless they have a decent sense of humor. When I say I'm lonely some people say I should go and do volunteers work, but jeezz if there was work I was physically able to do I would go and do it and get bloody paid for it wouldn't I. It's not that kind of loneliness, but how to explain something like that? I really don't know, maybe it's just not possible to explain, you have to have been there yourself.. It's okay for me to be alone as much as I am because I'm great company and I don't distract myself from my life's goal. I don't need to be in the presence of people, it doesn't make me feel desperate if I'm not. It's enough for me to have just a few good friends around who know what I am and what I am trying to do, or at least have a vague idea of what I'm doing and don't consider me a whackjob. Or maybe they do and still like having me around, I don't know, I should probably ask them.
My loneliness is in the road I am travelling. Everything seems so damn fake to me and simply not worth the effort. Even to be rich doesn't seem like a big deal although I could use some money. Everything I have been enthusiastic about in my life disintegrated before my very eyes. It's part of the masterplan to keep me on the road to Truth I guess. Goddammit. No distraction for M., she's pushing ahead with great speed, let's not allow her to be slowed down by stupid things like money, luck, health and happiness.
I give people a false image of me because they won't understand what I'm about if I tell them. I pretend to be a naive, gullible, shy, nervous and funny girl with some talents and insecurities and I keep hoping that some day someone will come up to me, look me in the eyes and say: I know what you are, I know where you are, I am there too, welcome to the club.
This is probably a loneliness I have to accept, it will not get any better. I could cry but I'm out of time, gotta go.

***M.

This and That

My second Jed McKenna book will arrive tomorrow! I'm looking forward to it as if it were a loveletter.

My family was here for some hours of which my sister slept most of the time, since she's very, very pregnant and her chatty daughter kept her awake for most of the previous night when they slept at my mother's house.
I had bought healthy stuff but also some chocolate chip muffins because I know my family. As usual my mother had stopped smoking and brought an excruciatingly sweet mocca flavored pie, of which I ate a small piece (the first time anyway) muttering protests under my breath. Immediately after I almost slipped into a sugar induced coma and from then on I was exhausted. It's so hard for me to say no to sweet things. They also brought me a chocolate bar: white crisp, which was a real addiction to me when I was thirteen years old. When they were gone I ate it all and after that I thought: why not divour the rest of the stuff (left-over pie and muffins) so tomorrow I can start over with a clean slate. A clean slate it sure was.
In the wee hours of the morning I woke up as sick as a dog and it was only after throwing up in a bucket that I could climb into bed again. I guess I'm not used anymore to such high dosages of sugar at once. It definitely explains why I'm almost always listless and tired visiting family. They tend to stock up on cookies, cakes and sweets when I come to visit while I try to live healthy and stay clear of such foods. Because of my inability to refuse them.
Anyway.. it was fun to see my mother and little niece making people and dogs out of chestnuts and toothpicks. My niece is truly delightful but just the slightest bit tiring. She ran to and fro turning light switches on and off, opening and closing doors and visiting anybody sitting on the toilet.
Of course I am madly in love with her.

My mother emailed me that they had a horrible drive home so I'm curious as to what happened. What I do know is that she is always so extremely nervous that she only wants to drive during daylight and hesitates so much before she makes a turn that she's a danger on the road herself.

Well, nothing spiritual going on so I guess I'll stop for now.

***M.

Ten signs your new guru isn't all that

1) Looks into a mirror all day and calls it self-reflection
2) Stresses the importance of eating happy meals to attain eternal bliss
3) Walks around with an elaborate tin foil halo strapped to his head
4) Fondles himself during talks
5) Donates half of his revenues to the foundation for "All Porn, All The Time"
6) Lies about his age, has a pet named Botox
7) When asking him a question, women followers have to sit on his lap
8) Your new spiritual name is #6621Gr08/
9) You overheard him saying 'those stupid morons have their heads up my butt so far they can smell nirwana'
10) Has his own clothing line: "Ohm-I-God"

©2005 M.

Heartache

Last weekend I had a lot of heartache, it felt like my heart was being torn to pieces. With all the pain I have endured in my life, for me this is one of the worst kinds. It makes me feel so damn vulnerable and powerless that all I can do is suffer, and I don't easily use the word suffer because it's so.. selfpitying.
Afterwards I felt like I had been run over by a truck and felt somewhat embarrassed towards my friend. We were walking through the park and I was constantly sobbing. A couple of newly weds were having their pictures taken on a beautiful autumn leaves strewn lawn, and all I could think was: this will never happen to me.. 'snivel' 'blubber'. My friend pointed out nice views, rabbits, flowers and deer and was feeding me tissues at the same time.
Maybe it was so frustrating because I felt my mental capabilities and general behavior had been reduced to those of a small, desperate child, abandoned by its parents. Here I was, spiritually advanced and everything, whimpering like a helpless little girl. Well, that's life. It's just like that and we have to accept the whole package.
Having a good cry generally cleans out my system better than eating bad eggs. It's part of the one-step-back-system. Something changes, I can feel a shift in consciousness or something settling in my chest and in the following period there is an outflow of waste, stuff I don't need anymore which can be flushed out better when I drink a lot of water, exercise intensively and yes, cry a lot. I'm not going to force myself of course, but when it comes, I let it.

Okay, time for bed, tomorrow my family comes to visit.

***M.

Cycle

I'm still in the 'down' period. Within a few days from now, I'll also be having my monthly period. In sjamanism it is believed that more power is available to women when they are having their cycle. I don't know if I really feel that, but because it's definitely something of all ages, I have started to give it more meaning.
(I believe one can consciously decide which things have or deserve more meaning in one's life. This is also a part of how I choose who I want to be.)
It usually coincides with a point at which the one-step-back-period comes to an end. This week this is true for sure for me, because the end-test for new developments is mostly a visit to/from my family and they are coming tomorrow. My mother, sister and heavenly little niece. I bought some delicious food to spoil them, hope I'll get atround to cleaning my house too, but that's something entirely different.
Sometimes, when I thought I had changed a lot, I would visit my family and feel completely drained during the stay and afterwards. It would frustrate me because I hoped I would be able to finally act normal, without whining, feeling left out or like the black sheep of the family.
I don't see them that often (few times a year), so I would get a sense of losing precious time and consequently kick myself for not being able to get out of that state of mind. Of course it doesn't help a lot if you keep kicking yourself, so in the end I would go with the flow and hope that it would be better on the next occasion. I'm curious as to how it will be tomorrow.

I ordered Jed McKenna's second book: Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment. Even though I barely have enough money to buy me some decent food, this to show how important his first book was and is to me. I read it and felt that he is enlightened and that state touched a chord inside of me, it seemed so familiar, it simply rang true.
I have believed for some time now, that if a so-called 'spiritual master' doesn't have a sense of humor he is not to be trusted. It's very important to be able to laugh at yourself, to not take yourself too seriously, humor is the gravy of life and a guru who gets angry when someone critisizes him or mocks him.. well, I wouldn't trust him with MY money and certainly not with my soul.
Look at the Dalai Lama's beautifully smiling face, radiant with love and pleasure, how can you not trust a man like that?! He has a smile that lights up his face. I want that too! I'm already cultivating wrinkles in my face that developed from laughing and smiling and I couldn't be more proud.

More later,

***M.

Inspiration

I was so enthousiastic and now I don't have any inspiration.. Maybe because this is something new and unusual to me, so I have to kick myself in the rear to get into gear. Spoken like a true poet.
Yesterday I realised that spiritual autolysis isn't something totally unfamiliar to me. I realised that's exactly what I've been doing since I was eighteen years old.
At the time I was living in a small community of vegans (and dearly missing my steak), and that was the first time that people asked me what I wanted. What were my likes and dislikes, what did I want, what didn't I want.. I didn't know what to say, I had no idea. Uptill then I had always asked myself the other question: what did people want from me, how could I make them like me, how could I prevent them from rejecting me. What I wanted was not relevant. I was many people, adjusting myself to the person I was with, which made it very hard to be in the company of several people at the same time.
One of the vegans got tired of my vagueness about the subject and cornered me again and again till I was breaking out in sweat. But it made me think, I enthusiastically disliked the woman but she made me think, maybe even for the first time in my life, about what I wanted. Who was I really?
I was nobody, I had given myself away to other people by adjusting to them, never once stopping to think that maybe I could be a person too. I sat down and asked myself what I wanted and I just didn't know. I found out I had no personality and decided to create my own. I would choose who I wanted to be. It was an exciting time.
Over the years I found out more about myself through discovering what I didn't want and how I didn't want to be. I would check myself: this behavior, is this who I want to be? No? Then I'll change it, and so I started to grow myself a personality!
Later I recognised that to be able to discard one's ego one must first have an ego, and a strong and healthy one, or there is nothing to get rid of.
I found out a lot, I saw a lot of crap from the past was holding me down, molding me continuously, dictating my behavior, feeding me fear. So this is what I worked on until, well, recently.
A few days ago I suddenly realised that I was over it. All the things that happened (and there's not much I haven't seen), no matter how bad and awful et cetera, it didn't matter anymore. It was done. Ofcourse I was well aware of the fact that when on this path, two steps forward means one step back. If there is a big change, it has to be incorporated. That's what's happening now, and I'm helping the process by writing about it.
Nice little extra was that I didn't feel fear for dying anymore. It left a blank space inside of me and I'm curious to see what will come to fill it. It feels a little empty though, one can get accustomed to fear apparently, maybe even miss it a little when it's gone.
Enough for now, I'm starving, I'm gonna whip up a bowl of oatmeal.***

PS Inspiration came I guess! Happens often, you just start to write and suddenly the words flow fluently.

Online

Okay, I guess this marks the start of my 'spiritual' online diary. Spirituality has become almost a polluted word with all the mumbojumbo these days: guru's, healers, spirit guides, chakra whisperers.. none of that for me. Good old hard, introspective work. Being honest to myself, no matter how tough that may be. I don't want to fool myself anymore.
It's hard to keep believing in a radiant future when I'm at home, without a job and no prospects whatsoever. And still, that's precisely what I try to do. One part of me is insecure and whines because she thinks that's the 'normal' way to react when a person is/feels abandoned, the other part of me looks on, amused and sure of her destiny, which is to attain enlightenment in this life. I know this is my purpose in life. And I don't think about it in a head in the clouds kind of way. It's my road, my way of life, and I'm getting there, I can feel it, I can see the enormous changes that have taken place over the years of struggle and drama.
It feels different to write this all in English, which is not my native language, but possibly it provides some necessary distance between me and my writings. It's good to look at my thoughts in a more detached way, like they don't really belong to me. In the end, they don't anyway.
The pain in my back makes it difficult to write for long, so there's another challenge: to keep it short and sweet!
Enough for now, I'm going to bed***.

Start of a spiritual diary

Well, I'm a little shy about it, but I guess the work starts here.. Thanks to the books of Jed McKenna, I'm starting to do the only real work there is in this life of mine, and online! Ofcourse this isn't the first time I write about my spiritual endeavors, but it sure is the first time I do it online. It keeps me alert, I hope.
Tonight or tomorrow I'll write something about my life and start this blog for real, for now, ***M.