Nothing trumps family

Racked with nerves. My sister is in the hospital where she had the ceasarian this morning, but I still haven't heard from my brother-in-law and I know he got my text message. My sister had assured me he would let me know when there was any news at all. Well, he probably knows by now whether he has another daughter or a son and how my sister is doing, so I don't get it, why doesn't he inform me unless something is wrong. She had surgery three hours ago!!
Reminds me of other times. That pissed me off so much. When she was in an accident, I had to find out after a week had passed and she was already out of the hospital. When she had the check-ups to see if the cancer had returned, the whole family was celebrating and eating pie because she was cancerfree and I was devastated, because I didn't hear from anybody while they had promised to call me immediately if the news was good. So I was waiting all day, increasingly worried and completely stressed out by the time someone finally called to let me in on the good news. Or did I eventually call them? I don't remember, but I'm gonna be pretty pissed off if this is more of the same. I don't want to be kept in the dark, even if it is with the best of intentions.
Last night I cried again when one of the guys (who is a karate teacher) was getting annoyed with me probably because of my asking so many questions. I felt his impatience with me and became increasingly nervous, which had the vicious cycle effect on me and caused me to ask even more questions and becoming more insecure by the minute. At the end of the lesson I told the instructor I wouldn't show up next week because of my sister's stay in the hospital, but before I could get to the part of going to see her next Tuesday I broke down in tears. Again. I'm so mentally instable, it's disgusting. I'm not making a very good impression, I was practically sobbing. I went into the bathroom and bawled my eyes out for a minute, then came out as if nothing had happened.

I got a call from my mother, thank God; it's a boy and my sister is feeling dizzy and nauseous because the doctors decided to narcotize her after all. I hope she's doing okay. They took so much blood from her I wonder whether there is some kind of shortage at the local hospital.
I'm an aunty again. Feel like having some pie myself, but I guess a cup of chicken soup is okay too.
This stuff is exhausting. My father nagged me to come earlier, he doesn't seem to get it through his thick skull that I'M NOT DOING WELL!! Especially around family, by which I mean him and his wife. They like to make fun of me, really hilarious, I've been the butt of their jokes for almost every Christmas I can remember, maybe because well, I'm the black sheep of the family, but they shouldn't expect me to play nice. My father is a hypocrite, he's in the country two times a year and is telling me what to do because I'm disappointing my mother. That's none of his business. Put it where the sun don't shine dad. No more guilt trips my way. I'm not having it.
I'm hungry, will write later.

***Aunty M.

"Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it."

Trying to sleep as much as possible so days are kept short. A dead end, I'm not only living in a dead end street, I'm living a dead end life. Nothing to look forward to. Reading library thrillers to keep my mind off of things, like the worrying, the frustration of not being able to buy presents for friends and family, of not being able to shower every day because of the costs, not being able to buy clothes without 'eating' away my budget for food, not being able to go to the movies or do fun things with my boyfriend. It's hard to admit, but today I entertained thoughts about suicide. Thinking how nice it would be to disappear out of this terrible place without anything of value in my future. Dissolve into darkness, be reborn into another body, other circumstances. I can't of course, I have a boyfriend, friends and family, so I cannot do it, but this is so hard. It's so hard for me to live on without prospects, enduring a life that consists solely of breathing, eating, sleeping, watching tv and exercising to keep my back in shape. And when the municipal officials in charge of my 'case' finally realize there isn't anything they can do about the situation, they will have me write letters of application every week, for jobs I can't do and have no way of being hired for. That could push me over the edge. It could be the last straw. How to go on from there, I don't know, I just don't know.

Reminiscing

So I finished reading Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment for the second time. This time I read it really slow, just a few pages before going to sleep at such hours that I wouldn't be able to read more than just that: a few pages. I don't know what to do with it. I feel sad. How on earth can a person not feel lonely when on a quest like this? Aside from the fact that others just don't understand what the hell you are doing.
I have some experience with it though: since the age of seventeen/eighteen, I've been changing so fast, that I couldn't be in a relationship with friends, lovers or otherwise for more than a few months, maybe a year. As a consequence a lot of different people have been walking on and off the stage that is my life, but eventually there would always be that moment where I felt I had to move on, alone. However deep, intense and rewarding the particular relationship, the ties had to be severed, I had to forge ahead, further. Alone.
We met at the right moment in time to be able to learn from each other exactly what had to be learned, and then we went our separate ways. Many, many colorful characters popped in and out of my life, in passing I've met people from every walk of life, I've lived in almost every dark and damp corner of society. I became homeless because of my Search, I left everything and everyone behind to go and live in Greece because my Search told me to do so, without me knowing at the time for how long.
I have no valuable assets, I've moved around some 24 times and it's very likely going to be even more than that. I've lost everything again and again. I'm like a kid now since throughout my Search I kept getting younger at heart, appearing younger as well, dropping pieces of the burden I was carrying, this heavy weight upon my shoulders, along the way. I have lived many lifetimes in this one life, five different movies could be made out of my lifestory and each and every one of them would be over three hours long, colorful and rich in detail, depth and experience.
Opinions, preferences, beliefs.. you can find them by the wayside, I have left so many of them behind and still do.

I'm a little sad looking back on all of it, yes, for I know what I have left behind but I do not know that which is still ahead of me.

***

Streams of consciousness a.k.a. guess who's having her period

Sis will go to the hospital Friday, if I didn't know any better, I'd think the doctors are stalling. Either they are going to send her home to get a suitcase with cloths and she can deliver the baby on Friday, or they will rub some kind of labor inducing cream on her belly and send her home for the weekend. So I'm probably leaving Saturday or even later.
Tense day, boring as well, cried a little at the meeting, stuffed my face with chocolate so nothing new there. Next week I'm expected to go to another doctor/specialist to whom I have to tell the whole story all over again 'yawn', like something good can come out of it. I look healthy, that's my curse, you can't see anything on the outside except a little crookedness in my back, a straight piece of back that's supposed to be arched and overly flexible joints. Well, I'm looking forward to it already..
I'm sitting here typing, but there's really not much to say. Just trying to get rid of this heavy feeling inside. Guess writing doesn't always help.
Saw a hell of a boxing-match just now, Peter and Fonso in the Contender with Sylvester Stallone, what a fight!! They both gave it their all, beautiful to watch, inspiring.

Why am I feeling so bad? I know this process has many ups and downs, I feel different almost every day from the last, but come on.. Ah, is it the one step back?
Damn, I really feel lousy, maybe I should go for a walk, I'm pretty much invisible now, what with the new black coat and all: L.A.P.D. SWAT-specifications. To protect and to serve. Got it at an army dumpstore.
'Sigh', this is truly one of those days, I am unable to write, but I'm also unable not to write. Where else can I say what's on my mind even if it's drivel?
I feel pressed down as if by some enormous paperweight. Something's going on in my chest as well, that's good, maybe I'm stirring things up by writing everything that comes to mind, which, to be honest, is nothing worth mentioning, but hey, a real life has really lousy days and even great writers write crap sometimes. Not that I'm a great writer. You know what I'm saying.
Oh wait, something unusual happened today: I actually cleaned my house! Well, what I call cleaning might not be what housewives have in mind, but what the hell, I vacumed, dusted a little, cleaned the floor, washed the dishes, wiped sticky surfaces with a damp cloth, watered the plants and afterwards had to lie down because of the pain in my lower back.
So it was very useful as I remembered again exactly why I don't clean often and thorough. But you know, there's that little pinch of shame whenever I notice a spider's web in the bathroom's wash-basin, or crusts of mud in plain sight on the living-room floor. I should have gone for wall-to-wall carpeting.
What else.. no, don't have anything else. I'm tired and I'm cold and I don't know what to do. Okay, I know when to quit (about half a page ago), so for now I'll stop polluting my blog with these nonsensical scribblings and go read me some of them Letterman's top ten lists, they're funny, maybe later I'll write some more. Maybe not.

M.

Zanshin

I went to karate pretty angry I guess. On the way back to the trainstation one of the guys accompanied me and we talked about sparring and how difficult it is to stay calm and focused in the midst of battle (I like saying that, that sounds cool) and general progress in karate. He's a nice guy, there is something about him that I like, I couldn't say what it is exactly but I just like him in the sense that I believe we could be friends if we talked more often. People who know me can appreciate how rare this is, I really don't get this a lot.
It's a short walk to the station, but our conversation was authentic and it gave me a warm feeling inside. It was real as opposed to the general banter that normally takes place between people, there was something genuine about it that I think we both noticed. What a difference. Quality instead of quantity I guess, that's why I have only two good friends. I don't even know if I could handle more! Would like to give it try with this guy though.
Tomorrow morning I have a meeting with another agency that's going to assess my situation and my limitations, so that should be fun. Not. I'm not going to write any more about that until I know more myself. Yes, I am indeed very much in the dream tonight and I don't care. Just think of it this way: it was meant to be! That sounds like a mental fart to me now, excusez le mot.
Bonne nuit everyone and sweet dreams,

***M.

Ignorance is bliss; there you go: the greatest Truth of all times

I was writing an email about waking up and when I turned to the tv (which still works thank God), there was a song on with the catchy title: "wake up". Well isn't that just too cute. Haven't had a sign like that in ages it seems, or maybe I didn't notice.
Thought about my book. There's a good chance I won't be writing it after all. It seems a crying shame for all the time and energy I put into it and the pages already written, but I have the sense that possibly this is not going to happen. It could have been meant for something else. Maybe it was a testdrive and I have to write something else, another book, or an essay, a speech, poems, whatever. I don't know. What a shame it would be.. I stopped writing when in the book I'm ten years old, the fun stuff was just around the corner! Like my first love, that was nice, a pretty picture. What a goddamn shame.
Well, it doesn't seem like I have anything to say about how things turn out, does it? Life's a struggle if your will is different from that of the universe. Tyranny, that's what it is. Free will? A cosmic joke. "Listen to your heart!" "Follow your destiny!" Why else would this be said if it weren't for the big scheme of things that's already set. What's so good about that? Every time I listen to my intuition and take a decision I'm only doing what I was meant to be doing. What a farce!! You gotta be fucking kidding me! Free will??! I have free will alright, the free will to choose what the universe wants me to do, or to be miserable. Isn't that nice.
I'm being bullied into waking up, what a con-game. Puppets on a string. The funniest and most disgusting thing about it must be that if you do something else than what you think is expected from you, you're probably doing exactly what you were meant to do in the first place. It's a set-up! There is no way to win this thing! Autonomy? A deliberate lie, constructed to make people think they have any control over their lives. It's a big fucking lie. If God exists, he's one bored motherfucking puppeteer, pulling our strings when it's convenient. It's all part of this oh so divine plan, everything's coming together in the end, we are all one, so I guess we don't really need free will, that would only make for such a mess.
This sure makes it very clear as to why life is absolutely utterly meaningless indeed. And no way out! I can't believe it! It's not even possible to not exist in this pack of lies. Well yeah, one might wake up from the whole god-awful thing, but even then you're only doing what you were meant to do. Why is this considered to be a good thing? Why did I consider this to be a good thing? Why was I so pleased with myself when I 'followed my heart', or listened to the voice of my 'intuition' despite all the hardships? IT'S A TRAP!! IT'S A FUCKING TRAP AND THERE'S NO WAY OUT OF IT!! Whatever you do, it doesn't matter, it was all foreseen, predicted, laid down by some hiding-behind-the-scenes universal law.
Sounds like a dictatorship to me. Make people believe they have something to say while they are all attached to strings and dancing to a tune they can't hear. That's the way to make them keep dancing. Disgusting, truly disgusting. I don't see why this is so wonderful, why it's all such a beautiful plan and we even have to be thankful to be a part of it. The nerve!
What incredible bullshit. I don't understand it. Why? Why?? What's the use? If the outcome and even the roads towards this outcome were already set before the game began, what is the use of this elaborate puzzle? How am I supposed to see beauty in a fraudulent game?
And now I'm supposed to play along right? Be a good girl and do what I'm told. And be sure not to complain about all the seriously horrible situations I've been in because it's all part of my glorious destiny. Excuse me while I vomit.
And now my book has been taken away from me, you can count on it that if I try to write anyway, my inspiration will be gone, solely because it 'just wasn't meant to be'. The one thing to give me some minor hope for escaping poverty in the future is slipping through my fingers.
I'm so sick of it.. so sick of not being able to do anything just for fun, having to live on thirty bucks a week, not going to karate when I don't have enough money to buy food so I save five bucks on trainfare. Let me give an example here: Saturday I bought a decent coat for the coming winter and I couldn't even remember the last time I bought a real coat, a new one, a good one, or any kind of new cloths. I had to save money for it for over five months. With winter coming and all, lots of rain (this is Holland after all), it's still going to take me three months to save for what ya call them waterresistant pants?
Sick and tired again of this shithole, sick and tired of the retarded drug using morons next door, sick and tired of poverty, sick and tired of this whole god-awful crappy life.
There is no meaning to life, individuals do not exist, free will is an elaborate hoax and fuck the divine plan. I don't want to be a part of it anymore but hey, what a surprise! I don't have a choice!

My private little soap opera

Okay, I have to take a moment and think about how I'm going to write about this weekend, since my mind is clouded by six candybars (oh no, not again) and I feel a minor sugar induced coma coming up.
Let's see, Saturday was different from any of the days of the last two months. I woke up feeling like something had changed, I even hit the snooze button only once! That's like, a small miracle.
I felt different, so there I was, in my still warm bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what it was that made me feel this way. Then I knew: the quiet desperation was gone. This desperate feeling had accompanied me for the last two months and now it wasn't there anymore. I felt like before, although that's not really possible because that would mean no progress has been made. Yet still, I felt like my 'old self' again.
I went to karate and although I was insecure as always, scared to look like a clumsy amateur (which of course I am), it was good to be back and move my ass. After two hours of heavy training (or so it seemed to me) and heavy breathing my body was hurting all over. Which was good. 'Grinning'. I was able to make jokes, I smiled, I even suspect my eyes were shining again and nothing phoney about it. It was a good day, I actually enjoyed it.
It wore off eventually, but the black despair didn't come back. It felt like I was succesfully sucked back into the world, my own little world with the people I'm familiar with, and the conditions I'm familiar with however difficult they are. I didn't fight it, this journey has been exhausting and it was and is nice to feel 'normal' for a while.
For the remainder of the weekend I pondered progress and what is happening to me. I felt content and sad at the same time, like I was saying goodbye to people and things that are dear to me.
I hate thinking about having to leave my boyfriend, I really, really hope this will not be 'asked' of me by my intuition. I don't know, fear of this doesn't stop me to go further, but I love him dearly and I don't see why I couldn't be in a relationship when I'm awake. My mother has had a lot of contact with an enlightened man during the last years of his life and he was married and had kids. Well there you go. Also I discovered another enlightened/awake one and he is married as well. He woke up during his marriage and apparently didn't see any reason to divorce his wife just because he woke up from the dreamstate.
Okay, so I'm worried about this, so sue me. It's hard to leave everything behind, but still, I don't think it's necessary to literally leave everything behind, but rather to sever the bonds, the attachment to people and stuff (not very poetic at this late hour). Of course there's no question as to whether relationships change beyond recognition when one of the people involved wakes up from the dream, but that's not necessarily a bad thing for either side.
Yes, I got sucked in again pretty efficiently, but at the same time I saw this, I watched it happen. I thought hey, my soap opera is on again. This weekend was probably the two steps forward and now I'll have to wait and see what the one step back will look like. I wonder how it would be if I really tried to not look at the world as a stage, see what happens when I try to believe in it. Could I? Is that possible? Somehow I don't think so. We'll see where it goes from here.
Silly questions, those of my last entry. Oh well, I'll just go ahead and study all that is false until it evaporates under my gaze of scrutiny. What's left will be true. I don't have to worry about recognizing truth, for now it's sufficient to be able to recognize what isn't true, plenty of that around. So on with the search.

Questions

There has been a sighting of my father; my mother told me on the phone yesterday that somebody spotted him in Holland. Sure enough, he called me today. Since it's too hard these days to pretend everything is just fine, I blurted out that I'm not feeling great and my life is going nowhere at the moment. He took advantage of the situation to, again, talk me into doing tai-chi instead of karate, the man never quits.
I informed him I would travel to my sister some days after the baby is born, so I will have a place to sleep (I don't want to be around a lot of people at the moment, especially family). He and his wife are staying at my mother's house, so I will wait until they are gone, or take the risk of not sleeping at all and stay at my sister's place, on an inflatable bed in the living-room. I'm not very keen on putting myself into a situation of chaos, so I'm going to wait and see what happens. There is an end date, if the baby hasn't been born by that time, the doctors will induce labor.
At least now I don't have to fake, that will save some energy. Both my mother and father know that I'm not in a good place so maybe they won't bother me. Hope his wife gets the message too, but knowing her, she will be too busy adoring my niece to pay any attention to me, and who can blame her? I certainly don't, it's fine with me, I just want to be left alone.
If this second kid is going to be half as cute and funny as the first, that family is beyond blessed. They're so lucky.

As for me, tomorrow I'm going to karate again for the first time in almost two weeks. Hope I will get enough sleep tonight. I really have to go, I'm filling out in several areas, I can place the remote on my gut. I have love-handles and that's not cool for a woman.
Why am I writing this?
I walked for an hour and a half tonight, pondering truth. I wonder how I can verify what truth is. Uptil now I have only been able to see what truth is not, but I can't give an explanation to myself as to why this world is not truth, why it is false. People see the world in many different ways, everybody is wearing customized colored glasses through which they view their surroundings.
But I touch this desk and I feel it, I hear the sound of my knuckles on the wood surface. And it's wood, not iron or gold or mud, it's wood, and anybody who comes in here and sees this desk will agree it's wood. Isn't that real? Isn't that true? I don't know what to do with this. Those trees near the canal, aren't they true? Don't they possess a degree of true-ness?
I don't know what's coming, I don't know what to expect but I'm somewhat confused on the subject, I have trouble visualizing what this Truth thing is. Visualizing has always been of great help to me but now.. I can't. Guess I'll see it when I get there, but how can I let go if I don't know whether I'm on the right track? Is intuition enough? Is it unnecessary to understand?

Well, this is not over yet, but I have to stop writing and get my fat ass to bed if I want to be somewhat rested tomorrow morning.
Later.

On the road to Nowhere

"You have to become completely disillusioned, then the truth begins to express itself in it's own way." - U.G. Krishnamurti.

I can only hope that's what will happen to me, since there is nothing else anymore. Everything has been washed away, demolished, torn down, destroyed. My life has gone to pieces, it's not a life at all, rather a bunch of consecutive meaningless moments. So where's that so-called Truth? What am I supposed to do?
Nothing people say makes any sense to me, it's all part of the dream, I can't ignore it anymore. I seem to be increasingly aware of this. Sometimes I get caught up in the moment and it's like I'm in a slumber, but shortly after I come to my senses and realize what happened, then just slide back into observer mode, which is starting to feel more natural.
It's the main reason why I'm having trouble writing my name at the bottom of these entries. I don't identify with that name as much as I did before. Yeah, that probably sounds weird to someone who doesn't know what's going on, but what do you think it's like for me? I don't feel comfortable with my own name anymore. I don't seem to feel comfortable with anything.
Although.. yes, you could say I felt reasonably comfortable walking alongside the canal in the darkness of this autumn evening. I went for another walk and I finally found a nice route: I have to cross a main road but once I get across there's a small foot-path with trees on either side of the canal, no streetlights, just enough light for me not to trip over my own two feet. In the evening it's quite dark and therefore almost deserted, people don't like to walk in the dark, it scares them.
I headed down the steps to a small harbor and picked a spot near the water. I just sat there in stealth mode, huddled in my enormous, red men's coat so I wouldn't be bothered by dog owners and the likes. It was very calming, big bodies of water soothe me and warm me on the inside. So now I have somewhere to go, thank God for that. Halfway there is a not much used footbridge and it was lovely to stand there with the wind and rain in my face looking out over the water and the distant lights. In spite of my current 'situation', I'm grateful for my newly discovered route, it suits me.
Hey, I'm not all complaints you know, I can be grateful for little things, like the cup of hot chocolate I'm enjoying right now, mmmh.. delicious.
I just have to get this off my chest I guess... this blog-thing is starting to resemble a real diary. It's like talking to someone that understands although I can't think of anyone who truly could, my imagination is making this worthwhile since I wouldn't know how to explain what I'm going through to friends and family.. what can be said? "Hey, I'm doing something worse than suicide so I can't talk to you for a while, but don't worry, and oh, afterwards the person/sister/friend you have always known as M. is evaporated, gone, dissolved into nothing, so bye now". Frustrating business, only thing I can say is "I don't feel so good, going through some tough times", vague comments like that.
And nobody knows what's going on in this gray area. It can be compared to the image on my tv-screen this afternoon, the broadcast giving way to static. That's what my life feels like at the moment, it's disintegrating into something unrecognizable, mere dots in different shades of gray, projected onto a screen.
Scary I tell you, although in a historical backdrop it's kind of exciting at the same time: stepping out of the evolutionary theater, waking up from the collective dream, what heresy! An adventure like no other, the last and only real Adventure I might add. What did I get myself into? No tow-trucks here, no signs, no phone-booths, not even roads, wow. Good thing I have a solid inner compass.

Feel somewhat better after writing all this.
***me

Growing pains

Well on my way now, I feel like crap.
Apparently classes resumed at the dojo but I'm too damn scared to go and hating myself for it. I feel so bad.. God, I feel bad. Resentment, hate, desperation, grief, pain, it's all there again. A sinking feeling in my gut, a tightness in my chest, fear raging through me, how familiar.
My mother called just now and it was difficult to hold back the tears until she hung up the phone. I feel so awful.. so lonely and left out. I feel like such a failure. Crying now. Don't know what to say really. Don't know what to do. My heart is hurting, like it's being torn apart. Well, go right ahead. Tear me to pieces until nothing is left. There isn't anything of value here anyway.
I'd like to write more but at the moment there's nothing left to say. This stuff is difficult.

Upward pressure, downward leasure

I'm tense. Another step will be taken, maybe today or tomorrow, I can feel it. I've come to recognize the different stages in the process. As always when something is about to change, my body is wired with tension, especially around the solar plexus area. A somewhat nervous energy crawling around inside of me, with peaks of being stressed out and scared shitless.
Yesterday probably started it. I was with both my best friends. First I spent the day with my close and bestest friend. I was able to forget about the trials and tribulations of the quest for truth-realization for a while and actually engage in conversations about guys, ATWT, the Bold, going out, food (quelle surprise) and sports. I liked it!! I actually enjoyed it, felt quite relaxed compared to the state I've been in for the past several weeks. Weeks? Let's not kid myself: months, and it's nowhere near being over.
In the evening my other close friend came by for an hour, which was perfect for the both of us, since I'm not very good at seeing a lot of people for an extended time. A lot of people meaning more than one. If someone comes to visit, or I go to visit somewhere else, afterwards I need time to myself. I have to be alone because it's tiring even though it's nice. I don't know why it's so hard on me to be with people.
Goddammit, my tv is giving up, that's, like, the biggest nightmare in this dreamstate, not having my tv anymore to slouch in front of. Okay, now I'm stressed out yet again. Fuck!! Crap!! Shit!! Maybe they're working at the cables or something, oh please don't take my voluntary enslavement away from me! I wouldn't know what to do with myself. It must be a pretty big step ahead of me or else something like this wouldn't happen. Yes, I'm on to you, universe, I know your tricks and schemes to aid people in their attempts to wake up. You know the problem is that I want to decide myself when I'm good and ready to take the next step, that's how fucking arrogant I am. Yeah, take that.
Oh well.
It's gray and unattractive weather outside, perfect to go for a walk. I really should because I'm starting to resemble Garfield. Also I have this urge to switch the buddha statues with statues of Garfield. What's the difference anyway? That big, fat cat radiates contentment, he's supremely happy with his life (well, after he's been fed and taking a nap), so why the hell not. No point in changing your life or doing away with ego if you're perfectly happy with the way things are. Since I love lasagna as much as he does, I like to kick dogs just as he does (just kidding!), I bitch and moan about my age as much as him, I guess I could put my picture up there as well.
It doesn't matter, I'm on my own, I can do as I please, there really is no one to guide me but me. No guru, no statue, no picture, no mantra, no spiritual name, no guidance, I have nothing to go by, so I can choose whatever and whoever I want as my next teacher: Garfield, the weather, the homeshopping channel, a turd on the sidewalk, ducks in a pond.. I can learn from everything I encounter. It's just that lately I'm so damn lazy.
"Sigh", I'm rambling.
I want to write something, sometimes that helps clear things up for myself. Right, I remember now: I'm reading Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment for the second time and the following just caught my eye, which means it's important for me in this moment:
"Observe this state [the ego-clad, nestling state]. Make a study of it as it appears in yourself and others. Turn the light of your mind upon it. See it everywhere. Learn to recognize the workings and reasonings of ego. Dissect thoughts, words and actions to find the kernel of fear within. To know the lie is to hate it; to see it is to slay it."
Okay, so that's what I've been doing for so many years, good to know. I have gotten to know the lie very well, especially that kernel of fear. I despise it, it makes me sick, it thoroughly fucked up my life and I want to be done with it, no matter what.

Gotta go for a walk now or I won't have enough time left before ATWT begins. Let's just hope my tv doesn't enter purgatory permanently and make my life even more miserable than it already is.

M.

Just a thought

Some old sadness came over me this evening so I shut off my phone, which seems to happen quite often lately. I'm trying to walk more, which is rather difficult because the surroundings are so dreadfully boring. I got out my roadmap which I'll use to pick a place, then take my bike and go there for a long walk, afterwards I'll cycle back home. That's the plan, hope it works. At least until the dojo is cleaned up again. Normally I really don't have the patience to go for long walks.
Something is changing inside of me, I feel it in my body, something is shifting. I feel sadness, fear and warmth at the same time. Don't know what it is, don't care where it came from. I don't have a topographical map and I don't want one either, I just follow my instincts. If the universe wants me so bad, it can come and get me, I'm not going anywhere.
Since I don't know what else to do, I'm reading Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment for the second time round, and this piece for some unclear reason touched me deeply:

"The only way to burn karma is to burn ignorance, which is the same as burning self because ignorance and self are the same thing. Ignorance isn't an aspect of self: it's the essence of self."

It's important, that's all I know.

As it is

Walked all the way to town, my legs were hurting on the way back, guess I really haven't been walking enough lately. When I returned home I saw the most stunning sunset ever to color the sky in my presence: pinks, purples, orange melting into gold, light beaming out from the golden centre of the magnificent clouds, it was truly awsome.
My boyfriend came to visit me and we walked alongside the canal a bit to look at the stars, I saw three shooting stars, wonderful. Will this be all I can enjoy? Life itself seems meaningless, and yet there they are; the stars, the sun, the moon, the autumn leaves.

The inherent evil of snowglobes

Suppose I should write something. Don't know what though. What can I say..
No karate this week, the sewage system flooded the dojo for the third time and now they have to replace all the mats. Didn't go to my mother's 60th birthday, couldn't afford it plus the pain in my back was/is killing me so no way I could sit in a train for over three hours. It's a matter of days before my sister goes to the hospital to deliver her second child, so I guess I'll miss out on that too.
Oh well.
Very difficult to get out of bed before noon, I mean, why should I? What is there to get up for? I drag my ass downstairs only when I get hungry. I stay up until two or three a.m., don't know why and don't care either.
Yesterday I was in the centre of town for the first time in ages, well weeks, and I was horrified by the stupid cows and zombies roaming the stores and sidewalks. They disgust me. All hot and bothered about some cheep shitty item, eating ice cream or french fries rambling on in their dumb-ass dialect about make-up, football, dates, children, sales, weight.. what a turn off. Have to go there again for an errand but I'm stalling.
It's like this whole stupid place is situated in a snowglobe. Is that the right word? That little glass thingy you shake and snowflakes come down on this lonesome itsy-bitsy house inside? Right, well, this is what it feels like. Petty little lives in a petty little town in a snowglobe which is mistaken for reality and where everything is so damned important but if you look at it from up high it's just ants crawling the streets. Makes me want to get a magnifying glass.
There's no lust for life, no desires accept for the occasional cup of coffee or something sweet. Everything has become tiresome, dull, colorless, I spend so much time watching tv I should be mentioned in the Guiness Book of Records. I don't even like my own company anymore. What's the fucking use. There's no point to my life, it has just stopped altogether. It's a dead end.
I'm not even motivated to walk and ride my bike for the sole purpose of keeping my back in shape. Yeah, maybe I could have less pain if I exercised diligently. But so what? What's next? What for? It will not in any way give more meaning to this life. Maybe it will become more bearable, but Jesus fucking Christ, what kind of life is this anyway if the best thing I can aim for is "bearable"??!
Maybe it's a giant step forward compared to the old days when I used to clench my teeth in trying to mentally survive the moment, but at least then I had some hope of it ever getting better because well, it couldn't get any worse. Now I still wake up with painfully stiff jaws from clenching my teeth during sleep but there's no hope of this ever getting better. There's no meaning, no point to it.
Yesterday it was a major effort to talk to my fysiotherapist, she probably thought I would be uncomfortable if there was silence while she massaged my neck and shoulders, but I prefer silence, especially considering the alternative. Or maybe she felt uncomfortable because she started talking to me about the weather and how maybe it was going to rain and she didn't want to get wet... AAARRGH!!! Shoot me now please!! I couldn't believe it! Why MUST there be talking?? And for God's sake why does it have to be such mindnumbing bullshit? I wanted to jump out the window, solely to escape the meaningless, nerve-racking chatter. Maybe next time I'll pretend to doze off. Hope she falls for it.
Just now my mother phoned to tell me what a great party I missed out on (thanks mom) and it was very difficult to answer questions and interject meaningful words like aha and oh really? It's so tiring, I feel drained during a conversation like that. Not because it's her especially, but because it's me. Today. Today sucks even more than yesterday, can't wait to see what tomorrow'll bring.
Alright, stalled enough, guess I'll go and wander around in the snowglobe just for the sake of exercising (my back and my ability to stay sane amongst the fantastic morons who are the cornerstone of western society).

M. (for moron).

P.S. I dreamed a giant snake rammed itself against my living-room windows and my brilliant plan was to close the curtains so we couldn't see it anymore. On the other hand, this could be exactly how it works here.

Enlightenment sucks

How on earth did so many misconceptions about enlightenment come into existence? How is that possible? How come it's supposed to be so overwhelmingly wonderful when everything I read from folks who are awake makes it seem dull, simple, normal, banal even, surely nothing to be desired. How could people have been so wrong? Including me, but at least I didn't claim to be enlightened. I just wanted to be, not realising what it was. Now that I have the faintest of clues, I'm not so sure it's what I want anymore. The only problem is that there's nothing else that I want.
How could anybody want this? I can't imagine anybody desiring a state of being so disappointing compared to what has been written about it, mostly by people who think they know, but don't. Christ! And this has been It? That Great Important Thing I was born to realize? I feel cheated out of something vitally important to me. Nothing to take it's place as well. No meaning to life whatsoever anymore. Just life itself which pretty much sucks what with the pain thing going on and such.

M.

Some dark place

You ask for light and you wind up in one of the darkest places you've ever been. Hilarious, just hilarious. If it wasn't so scary.
Trying to keep the sliding feeling at bay by eating cookies, amazing how well that works, for a short time at least. I can't be in the vicinity of people right now, my boyfriend advised me to be around people because I feel so depressed, but for me that's not the way to go. When I'm around people I pull up the mask, I make jokes, I smile and feel absolutely horrible. When I'm alone, I can be as miserable as necessary, which to me means I can go through the whole process much faster. That's what I like to believe anyway, I just don't feel comfortable around 'normal' people when I'm such a mess as I am now. I don't know how to behave, what to say, et cetera. Maybe I'm scared people will judge me, but I don't see the necessity in being vulnerable when I'm at my worst. I feel like I'm an open wound.
Pretty scared too. Just an hour ago I felt like I was sliding towards a hole in the ground, it was very scary, the hole seems bottomless. I am so scared I could lose it altogether. There is a not-so-slight possibility I will go nuts. There isn't anybody who can help me, who could understand what I'm going through and why? They can't.
Please let there be light at the end of this tunnel, I sure as hell can't see it. Is this waking up? Maybe it's better to be sleeping after all. I feel a little like Neo in the Matrix, except there's no group of people who have gone through the same thing to catch me when I fall out of the dream. I don't know what to do except keep writing.

M.

Sliding

I'm horrified, although aware of the fact that I asked for this myself. I stepped into this thing, knowing (or at least suspecting) what could be the consequences of relentless digging and burning. Reckless endangerment.
I don't recognize myself lately, this person is unstable, very emotional, even explosive. It's like old times: I'm crying every day, I can sit staring into nothingness for prolonged periods of time. I hardly smile these days. I can't discover meaning in my life anymore. It seems useless, pointless and aggrevating in it's endless vicious circles. My back seems to be deteriorating, it hurts and hurts and hurts some more, it's even difficult to sit in a chair.
The whole situation starts to remind me of the depressions I had in my youth, I've lost control, I do things that scare me. Where's this thing going to end? I'm falling apart.